Hi this Christmas season has not been what I expected so I’m trying to manifest some good shit and part of that is this, dear reader: when I become a sought-after Famous Person (I don’t know that I actually want THAT but I figure if I’m going to try to make something happen I oughta aim big, right?), here are some things that I’d like to proactively offer my endorsements for. hmu if you’re interest:
1) CELERY
BIG CELERY LET’S TALK. Here’s a good old fashioned WTF: as I age, CELERY has become a culinary DELIGHT on what I can only assume are my decaying tastebuds. I genuinely SEEK THIS SHIT OUT in the produce aisle. That crisp SNAP when you bite into a perfectly chilled, fresssshhhh stalk is what The Cure were really whining about when they wrote Just Like Heaven. I want you to imagine someone uttering a really forceful MMMM – the kind that’s normally followed by a GODDAMN and maybe a little pony foot-stomp or a knee-slap. THAT is what I get with a good piece of celery. And don’t give me any of this ants-on-a-log garbage. I’m going to gloss over the fact that they’ve named a snack after something you step in on a hike because I understand your attention span is waning, but COME ON: Celery don’t need no effing peanut butter and raisins or bacon or whatever evil y’all are insisting it needs. Celery is PURE. Celery is a taste SENSATION. Why would you dull this textural delight with ranch dressing? Hidden Valley WISHES it had ridges so crisp as celery’s. There is ACTUAL, DOCUMENTED WHIMSY to be had in celery’s strings as they dance across your tongue and coyly hide between your molars. And do NOT @ me. If you’re experiencing celery-induced mouth distress that’s between you and your dental hygienist. Get some floss and deal with it, compadre.
2) CONTESTS THAT REQUIRE ME TO SLOWLY COLLECT SMALL STAMPS IN ORDER TO REDEEM A PRIZE OF MEDIUM VALUE
I love a good punch-card rewards program but give me an old school McDonald’s Monopoly-style set up aaaaaaany day. Did y’all have Shop n’ Save where you live? (Moment of silence WE MISS YOU SHOP N’ SAVE). This grocery store chain did a promotion at least twice that I can remember where you would receive these tiny, easily lose-able stamps / stickers (?) each time you shopped. I think it was tied to the dollar amount you spent, because it was one of those “haha sorry de-gen, alcohol and cigarettes don’t count!” deals. I want to say that there was something that you actually STUCK the stamps to? Like a paper placemat-type thing that was also easily lost. But I can’t remember. All I know is that there were FABULOUS PRIZES for collecting certain numbers of stamps and that we got a not-unsatisfactory non-stick skillet w/ lid for our months of trouble. In the Age of Digita, this sort of highly analog fun is probably lost, but I feel like all we need are a few Millennials to get onboard to bring this kind of thing back. I’m just barely in that category (I think someone made up a “micro generation” to include my people because our experience straddled like a million years of technology breakthroughs), so if needed I will take up this mantle. Regional Grocery Store Chain, I’m available.
I had a few more in mind: CLEANING THINGS THAT NO ONE CLEANS (get UNDER the overhang of your countertops, people! All the nasty chicken juices that you thought you cleaned off the counter COULD POSSIBLY have run under there because EVERYONE KNOWS that salmonella DEFIES CONVENTIONAL LAWS OF PHYSICS) seemed a little too preachy / know-it-all-y / fucking weird so I scrapped it. I also considered adding CATS THE DOMESTICATED ANIMAL NOT THE MUSICAL, THOUGH I DON’T THINK I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST THE MUSICAL, I’VE JUST NEVER SEEN IT SO I COULDN’T ENDORSE IT IN GOOD CONSCIENCE, but that seems almost TOO on-brand. Or at least overdone.
So I’ll leave it at that – FOR NOW of course. I assume as my fame progresses throughout 2022 and I ultimately fall victim to my own hubris and find myself a shill for Close-Up Toothpaste and HomeCanningSupplies.ca, I will become a cautionary tale. Until then, I’ll be pressing onward with my manifesting.
the sloppy copy 