Man eating dog (Look Ma, no asterisk!)

I’ve been mildly fascinated by the Free Sample since I was but a wee lass, sending copious post to the contributors of the book Free Stuff For Kids. My intrigue was renewed in college when I learned that there are so, so, SO many things that one can send away for… on behalf of an unsuspecting other (my first renewed venture was to send information about genital herpes to a friend. Still not sure if he ever got it* but it was funny–hilarious, actually–at the time).

So imagine my delight when I discovered that Underjams hawks the Free Sample in their advertising. It’s true–too good to be, almost! So you bet your sweet, sweet bottom that I quickly visited in search of said free sample to send to a coworker.

A few keystrokes later and some lucky so-and-so is getting a pair of waterproof underpants in the mail, soon I hope. But as I perused the site further, I happened on this:

Take especial notice of the bottom right corner, just above the “Shop Now” link. Specifically, the line that reads “Discretely shop online for Underjams bedwetting products** or find a store near you”

At this, I had a stroke. Discretely? What? I can only sarcastically assume that they meant that one can shop separately for Underjams or that they can do so without using calculus. I mean, c’mon (Gob Bluth voice). Really? Really, Underjams? (Seth Meyers-Amy Poehler voice).

Get a fucking dictionary.

*The literature, not the herpes
**”Bedwetting Products,” as if said products increased nighttime urine output, not protected the Garfield sheets against it

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