the sloppy copy

Sometimes, a girl wants Chinese take out, but just a little bit. Like a half order of shrimp fried rice. That’s all.

But sometimes, the Chinese takeout place has some kind of thing where there’s a minimum $5 charge to use a credit card. And your half order of shrimp fried rice is $4.95.

And also, you have only $4.25 in cash.

So sometimes you just look at the menu on the counter before you, point randomly to something else, and say “I’ll take this too, then.”

Then – while the employees are making your food and yelling angrily into the phone and at each other in what I assume is, after all, Chinese – you sometimes start to worry. What did I actually order? I think it had one of those red pepper icons next to it. Will my tongue fall off when I try to eat it? Is it noodles? Is it rice? Wait, is that my order? Why are they putting so much food into my bag?

So then the lady who cooked your food puts a gigantic paper sack on the counter and gives you a “Uh, are you going to take this or not?” look so you scoop up 45 metric tons of food, packaged in several containers, and head on your merry way.

Still a bit concerned, for the record.

So then you get home and change out of work clothes that will forever smell of garlic and vegetable bouillon and unwrap your Mystery Meal.

And sometimes, you are greeted with literally mouthwatering aromas of garlic and yumminess and kind of squeal in delight at the sight of literally mouthwatering broccoli florets the size of your fist in some kind of delicious-looking sauce.

And sometimes blindly pointing at something on the menu turns out happily ever after.

*from the classic Bob Newhart Show episode “Over The River and Through the Woods.” (1975) – one of the funniest things I have ever seen on television. In. My. Life. I tried to find a good link, but failed. Apologies.