“Oh my gosh you guys, I just read the most informative article online,” someone says, and my Anger Spiral begins: blood pressure spiking, eyes crossing, teeth clenching and, if it’s really bad, something explodes inside of my skull.
Sometimes I’m the one who comes across the “most informative article everrrrr” and the reaction is the same. Like today, when I found something about “15 Natural Ways to Avoid Getting the Flu” blah blah blah. The title alone caused me to twitch, and the article itself was as terrible as I hoped-whydidIclickonthatwhatismyproblemwhatthehelljulie?!*
Here, let me summarize it for you:
1. Don’t fucking lick your desk at work. Don’t lick bathroom door handles. Don’t lick your friends. Don’t lick the goddamn floor. And if you think this is ridiculous, I just saw you bite your fucking fingernails and WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU TOUCHED?
2. Take vitamins. Not because they do shit for you, but because having an impressive display of vitamins in your kitchen is an instant credibility-booster because look at you, douchebag! You know stuff about things! Actually, just buy a shit ton of vitamins and put them on your counter. Invite people over. Wait for the swoon. BECAUSE THESE IDIOTS CANNOT WAIT FOR YOU TO TELL THEM ABOUT THE BENEFITS OF ECHINACEA.
Except NO, asshole. NO ONE CARES. You will invite people over, and no one will show, and you can’t catch the flu from imaginary friends.
3. Sleep. And drink water. And don’t cram shitty processed food into your mouth-hole every single goddamn meal. You only get one body; it’s not a contest to see who wears theirs out the fastest.
See, Gentle Reader(s)? See how important this gem o’ the Internet was to your well-being? A downright groundbreaking piece of journalism, right there – and completely paraphrased for your quick review!
You’re most welcome.
that’s not B12, that’s horse tranquilizer.
photo courtesy of shitty stock photos I googled
*If I had a dollar for every time this exact thought crossed my mind I’d be blogging this from my private island.