The time I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of the road

Oh, how I love Spring. Something about being able to comfortably be outdoors all damn day if I please is pretty fucking invigorating after what feels like months of being kept inside.

Yesterday, Gentleman Friend is all like “What do you wanna do?” And I’m all like “I dunno. It’s beautiful outside. Take a walk?”

So we’re strolling down the road and we’re cutting through a parking lot to avoid crossing a not-very-busy road at the crosswalk because – I dunno, fuck that I guess – and we start to cross the road but then have to stop because of oncoming traffic in the far lane.

This is where I inexplicably begin to panic.

“WE HAVE TO MOVE.”

“It’s ok, no one is coming.”

“WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. WE HAVE TO MOVE.”

“No, no. It’s ok.”

“NO! THERE ARE CARS COMING! WE HAVE TO MOVE! MOVE! WHY ARE YOU NOT MOVING! OH MY GOD! MOVE!”

“Julie, it’s ok. We’re in the turn lane.”

*Julie screams like a howler monkey and sprints across the road, arms flailing, babbling incoherently. Gentleman Friend casually walks across the road behind her. Julie turns around, sweaty and wild-eyed, looking at what felt like an 8-lane interstate .04 seconds ago.*

“Oh, that was the turn lane….”

Digs hole in parking lot, crawls in, dies of embarrassment.

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