While I’m not necessarily all Carrie Bradshaw about them, I do enjoy shoes – or at least, window shopping for them. I was born with long, ski-like feet with spindly talon-toes, which makes finding cute shoes that stay on my feet a bit of a challenge.
But that doesn’t stop me from pretending that a) I have an occasion to wear the aforementioned Cute Shoes or b) said shoes are not, in fact, extremely uncomfortable.
As you might imagine, the Search for Cute Shoes often leads one into the land of Fugly Shoes, and into that land I journeyed today, all for the sake of entertaining my 4 readers.
First we have these beasts pictured at right (They’re a Jessica Simpson design, apparently). Here are my questions:
1. Who wears this color on their feet? I can’t imagine an outfit that these suckers would complement. I once had some couches that were this exact color; I believe they were constructed of some sort of plastic-coated DuPont product (yay, residence hall-grade furniture!). Though I can’t be sure, I wouldn’t be surprised if these shoes were also constructed of the same material.
2. This is – what? – a 14″ heel? How does one physically walk while wearing these?
Second: a doozy of a pair as seen on the Victoria’s Secret website. Lovely, no? It appears that someone took a pair of regular pumps and then attached them to this poor girl’s feet and ankles using black electrical tape. I honestly cannot figure out how they actually go on one’s feet. Are theose bungee straps? (if so, they might have just become a few notches cooler). Or is this some sort of elaborate belt buckle system at work here?
Oh, and again with the 24″ heels. Judging by the legs whose feet have been forced into these ghastly contraptions, I’m sure this chick is not under 5’7″, making the need for such astronomically high heels just ludicrous.
Really, Vicki? Really?
Did I save the best for last? Oh, girl, just look for yourself. These Steve Maddens aren’t so much “shoes” as they are “feet cages.” I’m sure this is the reason they’re pictured sans feets, as I don’t know if there’s a way to make these puppies look comfortable (or good, for that matter).
Also-also! The mega-wedge! Why, Mr. Madden? Why? This shoe might possibly be passable as a normal old heel… but then again, probably not.
I kind of like the second ones. I can’t wear them, because they have an ankle strap and ankle straps, the fashion mags tell me, make short people like me look shorter.
But you inspired me to find more ugly footwear. Behold stuff I found in five minutes:
For some reason, these suckers are $170. – http://www.zappos.com/product/7585607/color/1719
These are $795. They have a handy zipper up the back. – http://www.zappos.com/product/7647582/color/237997
Clown shoes! – http://www.zappos.com/product/7677402/color/183092
And stripper shoes. – http://www.amazon.com/Platform-Black-Shoes-Stripper-Slides/dp/B0013E4E5O/
OMGWTF? Running scared. – http://bitsandpieces1.blogspot.com/2007/09/hoof-shoes.html
WOW. Those are some pretty hideous finds! Nice work!!!