So here’s the rebuttal I have planned for my off-brand Cheerios post, in the event that – I don’t know? – some nut-hat with a Wal-Mart fetish stumbles upon this blog and gets all “Well, LISTEN HERE you name-brand cereal snob!”?
Yeah! It's cool with, like, whatever.
You know what? Yeah. I am a Cheerio snob. And if you can genuinely tell me that you cannot taste a difference between Cheerios and Toasti-Oatis, you seriously need to stop licking the radiator. In fact, I can tell the difference between several (read: two, maybe three) Name-Brand / Off-Brand products. “Super Chill” soda at the Shop n’ Save? Mmmm… yeah, that’s not quite “cola,” but I’ll take it. It’s just that the gigantic gulf in taste difference between real Cheerios and their bastard lookalikes is just too much for even my po’ tastebuds to ignore.
So do I sleep on a mattress stuffed with $500 bills? No, because the U.S. does not print $500 bills (I know, I totally thought they existed too. Not anymore). Also, that would be highly uncomfortable. My mattress came from a discount store that’s only open three days a week (presumably to “cut costs” but after shopping there a few times I suspect the concept was created by someone who really likes to watch lower-to-middle-class folks haggle over the price of click-clack sofas*).
See, I’m just a woman with standards. While my palate is such that I like to put BBQ potato chips on cheese sandwiches “for taste and texture,” I do have limits. And if it means I have to go for the $7 handle of vodka over the $10 one, well – it’s worth it to get the goddamn real Cheerios.
So shut your face, you (hypothetical) indignant bastard, as I (unnecessarily) defend my Life Choices.
*What do you mean you don’t know what a click-clack sofa is? Next you’ll be telling me you’ve never heard of a flip n’ fuck. Arrrgh
the sloppy copy 