Do they sell those at Best Buy, too?

I want a kid with the same amount of desire as I want an XBox: I think it would be cool, for a while – plenty of things you could do to entertain yourself with it, especially when friends come over – but I imagine that the novelty would wear off quickly, and it would eventually sit in the corner and collect dust / starve to death.

I’ve been thinking about this lately because the BFFF recently got herself a nephew, and this seems to be a reasonable compromise: hold it and play with it for awhile, but when it starts to malfunction / shit itself, give it back to its original owner.

Is this selfish? No. Not at all, because there are people in the world who will make good parents, and then there are those of us who are already keeping an eye out for teeny furry fedoras so that we can one day dress a six-month-old like he stepped out of  Pimps Up Ho’s Down.

By not having children of my own, I am saving potential human beings from a childhood whose sole purpose is to provide entertainment to its mother. But Julie, you’re saying, Didn’t your mother try to dress you up like Tina Turner and teach you the words to Proud Mary so you could entertain the family at Christmas? And didn’t you turn out “okay”- so to speak?

Yeah, well. Still: It could have gone either way. No sense in chancing it. And anyway- I was a strange child with a really fucked-up sense of what made me “cool.”

The way I see it, the world needs people like me: Fun “Aunts” who have no idea how to properly interact with small children and thus have no choice but to teach them stud poker and the words to I Like the Night Life. Were I tasked with raising a productive member of society with appropriate social skills, well, let’s just say I’d be in over my head.

Maybe one day I’ll change my mind, or it will be changed for me, but until then I recommend not leaving your small children alone with me unless you also happen to want an 8 x 10 of Junior dressed like Marky Mark.

Edit: Actually, Marky Mark isn’t much of a challenge. Bandana, no shirt, jeans all falling off like a fool. I really ought to just find a pair of children, and go for a Peaches and Herb kind of thing:

Really, the most important part here is Peaches' hair and Herb's sideburns.

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