the sloppy copy

Try diagramming that sentence!*

Why do publishers (?) sometimes include the phrase A Novel beneath the title of a book? Really? Is that what this large, book-like thing is? Huh!

For approximately four years, my bank has been trying to verbally beat me into agreeing to open a money market account. This morning I read that these accounts are probably the next big thing to fail. Guess my desire to keep all my savings in an empty cereal bar- box in my sock drawer was the right decision after all eh, SEC?**

Pasted from Twitter: Word I’d like to eliminate from my vocab: “someday.” (Ah, so inspirational!) Also: “wad” (ah, so disgusting). For real, though. The “someday” thing is getting old. Remember that old Nike slogan? Just Fucking Do It Already?*** Yes. Just.

While we’re only-vaguely on the subject, name me a word with the same aaah sound as “wad” or “quad” that isn’t a gross-sounding word. Can’t, can ya?

Oh, and while we’re naming things, does anybody possess a magical coffee mug (sans lid) that keeps their coffee hot (or at least above room temp) for longer than, say, five minutes? Room temperature coffee makes me gag, but I’m also uncoordinated enough that drinking hot coffee from a travel mug is a third-degree facial burn waiting to happen. How about those Tervis things I keep writing about? I mean, those totally awesome Tervis things I keep writing about! The things that I’d loooove to try out for free and post rave reviews on! I like this idea so much I’m dangling my participles around like some sort of drunk, free-balling grammarian.****

That’s it for now, folks.

*Do they even teach that anymore in school? Don’t answer that. It’ll just make me surly and self-righteous.

**Note: Please don’t break into my apartment looking for my sock drawer. I have no sock drawer. Also: no savings.

***I think this was eventually shortened.

****Heeeey, do not picture your college English professor here because I accidentally did. Dr. N! Sober up and put some damn slacks on!