the sloppy copy

A Reflexology/ Massage/ Income Taxes/ Ear Candling/ Pet Grooming/ Mani-Pedi parlor opened up in a 100+ year old building on the Historic Main Street of my parents’ town recently. This is nice, and probably appropriate, because I’m sure the folks who settled here back in the day would not have been freaked out at all by a bunch of tiny Asian women descending on their settlement to shove candles in their ears and poke at their feet to cleanse their auras.*

If you’re like me, you are a) apparently racist and b) asking yourself just what the eff is Reflexology and Ear Candling? I took the liberty of conducting some superficial intense Internet research in order to introduce these concepts to you, Gentle Reader(s). Because I’d like to think I ain’t nothin’ if not informative.

Reflexology
Our feet are important.** Aside from, you know, taking us every-damn-where, seriously could you just spring for a fucking pedicure ONCE before you die, you cheap asshole?, they have a lot of say in a lot of bodily…things. If you take a look at the bottom of your foots, you’ll notice – well, hopefully nothing, unless you’ve been spending a lot of time barefoot in public restrooms – er, you can imagine the sole of your foots separated into sections. Each section represents a different bodily…thing. And manipulating each of these areas will affect each bodily…thing. Need to kickstart your pancreas? Just give the upper-mid-right-pinkie-toe area a good pokin’. How about that sciatic nerve? Just work the lower-left-heel. Or something.

This is all fascinating to me, and without passing too much judgment, I will say this: the whole damn thing freaks me the eff out. Blaaaaaarfffffuugggghhhhmmmmllleh! is the sound I make when I think about it. I am super-dupes sensitive about the bottoms of my feet. I have a hard time touching them, much less anyone else. They’re ticklish as hell, yes, but it’s more than that. Something about having someone rubbing or poking at them just gives me the heebie-jeebies, and I’ve always been that way. Who knows? Maybe my gall bladder is misaligned.

Ear Candling
Oh, girl, this is a good one.
Do you like pursuing semi-dangerous alternative medicinal practices for the sake of a more-cleansed bodily…thing? Then is this the thing for you! Ear Candling involves you, um, laying down I think, and someone taking a lit-fucking-candle and, uh…. No, seriously. I don’t know what this is, only that every other site I saw about it talked about how dangerous it could be. To this I say: no shit. The thought of hot wax dripping into my brain canal gives me EXTRA-super-duper heebie-jeebies, and I don’t care if that’s not really how it’s supposed to work – the potential is there.  I’d rather have a stranger poke at the center of the sole of my foot with his index finger.

Maybe.

So, there you have it! The next time you find your duodenum in a tizzy, just check out your local Yellow Pages to see if your town’s Historic Main Street offers these amenities!

*Or… whatever.
**Unless you’ve lost one or more to disease or shark attack. In that case, feet are overrated, whatever, you’re going to be fine, sorry about your loss, hang in there slugger, Oscar Pistorius, et cetera, et cetera.