Daily Archives: November 12, 2012

Mo’ turkey, mo’ problems.

“Your Biggest Thanksgiving Problems–Solved!”
The following are (apparently) Thanksgiving “problems”
(according to a Dash magazine piece published last week)
with my unsolicited advice.

You’re expecting 12 guests but have only eight good china place settings
The way I see it, you have a couple options here:
1) Decide which of your family members deserve the good stuff and send the rest home, or
2) Get over it. Everyone eats off the Dixie plates.

The gravy boat creates a drippy mess on your tablecloth.
I don’t understand why this is happening. Is there a hole in the boat? Then cover it with duct tape and move on. Otherwise, your family is just a bunch of slobs and this can’t be helped.

You can’t afford a big floral centerpiece.
I don’t have any advice for this one. I’m just genuinely sorry that your friends and family suck so hard that your lack of a big floral centerpiece has become such a cause for concern. Actually, I do have some advice: Start drinking. Now (see next).

You need a cheery drink to serve before the meal.
A few fingers of Glenlivet’ll perk the room right up, but be sure to pace yourself. We’re going for “perky” not “spinny.”

The potluck table is strewn with mystery casseroles.
Were these dishes dropped off by the Casserole Fairy? No? Well then ask the person who brought it what the hell they brought.

Last year the gravy was full of lumps.
Maybe you should make some new gravy. It’s probably lumpy BECAUSE IT’S A YEAR OLD.

Friends and family say they want to help, but no one knows what to do.
B-double E-double R-U-N

You need to keep the youngsters occupied while you cook.
Baby, run up to the Citgo and get Gramma a pack of smokes. Tell Jeff that Gloria sent you. He owes me one.

You’re running low on wine.
That’s not even funny. Don’t joke about that.

Everyone loves cranberry sauce, but making your own seems so complicated.
No. It’s not.

 

Trussing and basting take forever.
Use real words. I cannot answer your question if I do not know what you are asking.

You don’t have any napkin rings – or they look bulky and outdated.
Never mind. Forget it. THANKSGIVING IS FUCKING RUINED.