“Your Biggest Thanksgiving Problems–Solved!”
The following are (apparently) Thanksgiving “problems”
(according to a Dash magazine piece published last week)
with my unsolicited advice.
You’re expecting 12 guests but have only eight good china place settings
The way I see it, you have a couple options here:
1) Decide which of your family members deserve the good stuff and send the rest home, or
2) Get over it. Everyone eats off the Dixie plates.
The gravy boat creates a drippy mess on your tablecloth.
I don’t understand why this is happening. Is there a hole in the boat? Then cover it with duct tape and move on. Otherwise, your family is just a bunch of slobs and this can’t be helped.
You can’t afford a big floral centerpiece.
I don’t have any advice for this one. I’m just genuinely sorry that your friends and family suck so hard that your lack of a big floral centerpiece has become such a cause for concern. Actually, I do have some advice: Start drinking. Now (see next).
You need a cheery drink to serve before the meal.
A few fingers of Glenlivet’ll perk the room right up, but be sure to pace yourself. We’re going for “perky” not “spinny.”
The potluck table is strewn with mystery casseroles.
Were these dishes dropped off by the Casserole Fairy? No? Well then ask the person who brought it what the hell they brought.
Last year the gravy was full of lumps.
Maybe you should make some new gravy. It’s probably lumpy BECAUSE IT’S A YEAR OLD.
Friends and family say they want to help, but no one knows what to do.
B-double E-double R-U-N
You need to keep the youngsters occupied while you cook.
Baby, run up to the Citgo and get Gramma a pack of smokes. Tell Jeff that Gloria sent you. He owes me one.
You’re running low on wine.
That’s not even funny. Don’t joke about that.
Everyone loves cranberry sauce, but making your own seems so complicated.
No. It’s not.
Trussing and basting take forever.
Use real words. I cannot answer your question if I do not know what you are asking.
You don’t have any napkin rings – or they look bulky and outdated.
Never mind. Forget it. THANKSGIVING IS FUCKING RUINED.
the sloppy copy 
AHAHAHA!! I am SO GLAD I’m not in the family that has these problems. Because they’re all probably also alcoholics and wound tighter than mousetraps from being related to each other their entire lives. Oy, that is the WASP-iest thing ever. Why do I feel like the magazine’s answer to all these problems is “Berate your gardener, threaten your head cook with a call to INS, then have another glass of vodka”? I take it these are “big problems” you might have if you’re also stinky rich enough to afford a servant staff to deal with the hassles the rest of us actually do have at Thanksgiving every year, like “I may have bought a turkey too large to fit into the comically small, shoebox-sized oven provided by my landlord, can I just throw this thing in the microwave?” or “Shop ‘n Save was out of all the premade Thanksgiving food I needed to buy when I showed up on Wednesday night at 9pm. Is it tacky to serve White Castle for Thanksgiving, or is it only tacky if I also forget the side of Chicken Rings?”
I assume you’ve seen this, too: http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/11/26/awkward-family-story-the-thanksgiving-letter/
Side note: I’ve made cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving every year of my life since about age 6. You dump a rinsed bag of cranberries in a pot. Add 1 cup water, 1 cup sugar. Boil and stir until the berries pop and the sauce starts to thicken. Let cool. DONE. It’s literally the least complicated dish you can make at Thanksgiving.
SER-I-OUS-LY.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I read the original “article.” I think I rolled my eyes so hard they DID almost stay that way.
And while I know that hosting people at your home can be stressful, I never got why so many people just FREAK THE FUCK OUT about Thanksgiving. Relax, people! This is, like, the only time you’ll get to see some of these people all year! ENJOY IT (well, maybe, depending on the people).
Ugh.