the sloppy copy

When I think about what my “dream home” would entail, several key features stand out:

1. It is free
2. The carpet vacuums itself
3. I have a deck.
3a. Lots of decks.
3a-1. Like, off of every room.
3a-1(a). Basically, I think I just want to live on a giant deck.

I watch a lot of House Hunters: International, because when you get home from work at 12:30 in the morning it’s either that or a replay of the 10:00 news (that one really confused me the first time – I didn’t know channel 5 did a 1:00 am newscast!).

Anyway, I guess a “thing” on some of these Caribbean islands is houses without walls. Like, there are some walls. But the line between the outside and inside is pretty nonexistent. And some of these places are pretty freaking incredible. Imagine waking up, sitting up in bed, and looking out onto the ocean. Because the ocean is right there.

The first house I saw like that, I was all like sold, motherfucker! Sign me up! But then the rational side of my brain went into Override Mode and I started asking questions. Questions like:

1. What do these people do if it rains? Does it not rain in the Caribbean? Because I’m pretty sure they get freakin’ hurricanes down there. Right? So what the hell do you do when that happens? Move out for a week?

2. I guess I could trust my neighbors not to just come on in and take my shit, but what about vagrants? I’m sure the Caribbean has vagrants.

3. I’d like to think I’m an animal lover and all, but I am certain there is probably some freaky-ass wildlife to which I am most definitely not accustomed lurking around down there. I do NOT want to wake up with some sort of mutant scorpion-armadillo-stegasaurus rummaging around my craft room.*

I was going to find a picture of some horrific Caribbean insect and add it to this post. So I did a Google Images search for “Caribbean bugs.” Trust me, THIS IS A BAD IDEA.

Oh my LORD is this a bad idea.

I will not sleep for a week.

Maybe walls are a good thing after all.

*I will have a craft room, damnit.