why I’ll never be on house hunters.

I could never be featured on one of those reality-home-buying TV shows. I mean, aside from the fact that I can’t afford to buy a house of course. What I mean is that my standards are too flexible, and probably too low, to make for good television.

Julie, what are you looking for in a home?

Well, it should be spacious and have plenty of extra room…
But, I mean, not too much space. I don’t want to have to, like, buy more furniture or something. Plus I hate cleaning floors: sweeping, vacuuming, mopping. Hate, hate, hate it. Um, so I guess the less square footage, the better.

I’d also like at least two bathrooms…
Well, maybe one full one and a half one would be okay. As long as there are two rooms with a toilet and a sink, that should be fine. Okay, I mean, if the one doesn’t have a sink in the room I could make do. Is there a basement? I can put a bucket in the corner.

A good kitchen with all the main appliances is a must…
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t need a dishwasher. And I’ve got my own microwave, somewhere. That’s basically not even an appliance anyway. A good gas range, though. Okay, well, electric is fine. And I guess I don’t need all 4 burners to work. I usually only use two at a time, tops. And the fridge? I mean, as long as it keeps things below room temperature, that should be fine. I wouldn’t store a lot in it anyway. Well, I guess if push comes to shove, I’ve got a cooler. And bags of ice are cheap.

Three bedrooms, at least…
Okay, okay. That’s kind of laughable. What the hell would I put in that third bedroom? An office would be nice, but that’s what I’ve got a couch and a long laptop cord for. Speaking of couches, that’s where my friends will end up sleeping anyway so I certainly don’t need a “guest room.” So yeah. I guess I just need one bedroom. Orrrr at least a place for my bed. Maybe in the basement.

Opposite corner from the bucket, preferably.



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