Grocerying is a word now.

Grocery shopping is very much a hit-or-miss kind of deal with me. My body must be just the right level of hungry; if I’ve just eaten or feel full then my purchases will include almost all non-food items. If I’m ravenously hungry my cart will be filled with Cheez-its of every variety and more chicken than my freezer can physically accommodate.

It’s a mental game, too: If I’m tired I rush through the aisles and forget important things, such as Everything On My List. If I’m cranky, minor setbacks send me spiraling off into an angry oblivion and I’m liable to storm out of the store with nothing while mumbling to myself. WHO THE FUCK PUTS POPCORN IN THE CEREAL AISLE? LIKE HELL I’M GOING BACK THERE TO GET IT NOW!

Ooh, ooh! Or! If I’ve just spent an inordinate amount of time on, say, Pinterest, then I end up with very specific ingredients to a half-dozen intricate meals and/or desserts that I have no time to prepare or bake and I’m asking myself six months later why the hell I bought lemon extract.

All this, and you’d think that I have some sort of elaborate mental ritual in order to prepare myself for a visit my local supermarket. Nah, fuck that. I just go and leave the rest to chance. Who knows? Maybe it’ll be a good day: I’ll remember my list and my coupons and remember to actually give  my coupons to the cashier and I’ll come home and have food – real food! Not just Pop-Tarts and strawberry jelly!

Well maybe Pop-Tarts. Let’s not get crazy here.

Okay. Off to get my grocerying done! Suck it, Noah Webster!




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