I am a light-craving person. I am happiest and most at ease in bright, well-lit rooms and on sunny days. When the sun goes down, so does my mood. I am the most anxious, emotional, depressed, etc; at dusk – and beyond.
This time of year is hard for me. And I cringe saying that, because I don’t like making myself sound like some Special Fucking Snowflake with outrageous Needs requiring Special Attention. Because I do feel that way, whenever I admit to myself that something is not quite right with me. I feel a pathological, desperate need to follow this up with a BUT OF COURSE SO MANY PEOPLE FEEL THIS WAY for fear that someone who feels worse than I will take offense to my statements.
I’ve been told by so many people for my entire life how lucky and blessed I am (and I heartily agree, don’t get me wrong). SOMEONE ELSE ALWAYS HAS IT WORSE is probably engraved into my dura mater at this point. And while that phrase has often brought me comfort, at times like this it makes me feel worse. To feel bad for feeling bad is just about the polar opposite of feeling comforted.
I feel like I owe everyone with whom I’ve interacted lately – work, home, in line at the grocery store – a big fat apology. I want to tell them that I am sorry, that I know that I could be so much better at being human. And that was the original intent of this post: I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN REALLY SHITTY LATELY AND I AM WRACKED WITH GUILT THINKING ABOUT IT I AM SO SORRY PLEASE DO NOT HATE ME, WORLD.
But in a flicker of normal brain activity, I decided to make this an explanation instead. Not an excuse, not some mea culpa, just a simple reason for why I’ve felt (and acted) off lately.
It’s dark outside a lot right now. And the chemistry that makes me a living, breathing person is calibrated in favor of light. So until it readjusts itself, I will not feel like myself 100% of the time. That is all. Thank you for
putting up with me listening.