the sloppy copy

I’m quickly discovering that I could probably write a book full of Things and People I’ve Observed At Various Airports: it’s a gd oil geyser of material.* One of my favorite and most personally-respected sources of journalism agrees, as evidenced by this gem that showed up in my bookface feed today:

…right? Spot on, Onion.

Were I to make a list (spoiler alert: I’m making a freaking list) of other airport caricatures, I’d include the following:

1. VERY IMPORTANT BUSINESS WORK TRAVELING PERSON.
   So. Many. Devices. We get it, dude: you have a job where you type the things into the computer. You are Quite Important. You must make phone calls about the type-y things you’re doing. These calls simply cannot wait, even if it is 6:15 am. If I look closer at your laptop screen, I am 100% sure I’ll find that you’re just Lorem Ipsum-ing through a generic Excel file. You do not need two laptops, dude. That other one is definitely for porn. Don’t confuse the two.
2. The “carry on rules do not apply to me” over-packer.
   …the fuck, lady? Wheeled suitcase, “purse” (that’s a duffel bag, ma’am), laptop bag, travel pillow, blanket, plastic sack of drinks and snacks from Hudson News and a live lobster. And all of it will need to go in the overhead bin.
3.  The carefree flip flopper.
   Dressed wildly inappropriately for the current climate (shorts and sandals in Denver in January). Nary a speck of luggage in sight, he will simply walk off the plane at his destination as if he simply materialized there and has been living there all his damn life.
4. The loudspeaker.
   Every single conversation is held at max volume. Everyone from here to the shoeshine stand 7 gates down knows she loves Jennalyn and Ashton very much and she’ll be home soon, she can’t believe that the flight’s been delayed twice, and that there are so many Foreigns working at this airport. Like, all of them. But that’s totally fine. I mean, someone’s got to clean the bathrooms and sell the US Weeklies. Like, I couldn’t do it, but good for them.

*side note: I’ve been combing through my years and years of random storytelling and I’ve finally FINALLY figured out a cohesive theme under which I can collect existing tales and produce new ones into – fingers crossed – some sort of publish-able product. This is just a side note. More to come on that later, maybe.