the sloppy copy

Continuing the 90s Greatest Hits…
Mount up!

“Regulate” / Warren G ft. Nate Dogg (1994)

First, a little Billy Madison for your viewing pleasure:*

Today I start an online class, just something I’m taking for shits n’ grins; another way to shell out my somewhat-hard-earned monies. The goal is to finish with some sort of tangible result; as amorphous as that sounds, it will probably prove to be a challenge.

Let’s rewind a bit.

Picture it: Somewhere between 2000 and 2004, somewhere in the Midwestern United States. A college gal enrolls in a psychology course to fulfill a requirement of her major. She’s done decently well in her previous major courses, but this particular class is different: it is taught entirely online.

College Gal is excited. She can do the readings, take the quizzes, listen to the lectures and view the PowerPoint presentations at her leisure (pronounced so that it rhymes with “measure”). It requires no face-to-face interaction with the professor, but if she gets stuck, a weekly meeting will take place so that she can ask questions and engage in discussion with her classmates.

Sounds perfect, eh? College Gal sure thought so.

But then a funny thing happened. College Gal’s brain shifted into some sort of alternate universe where Time and Place had absolutely No Meaning. Despite diligently consulting her schedule, she never ever showed up to the discussion section on the right day, or at the right time, or – hell – even at the right place. I am completely and totally not kidding here. I – er, I mean, she – could NOT, for the life of her, remember any of these details. Oh, and also: the time, place, and day of the section never changed during the course of the semester. Never. Not once.

And because the course material was posted all-at-once, to be studied and learned at one’s own pace, there existed little motivation for College Gal to keep up with the readings, lectures, and quizzes. Nay, there existed far more interesting things on which College Gal could direct her attention (like, par example, viewing every movie on the AFI’s Top 100 Films of All Time list).**

So come end-of-April, College Gal realizes oh fuck I have a lot of work to do and ends up taking all of the quizzes in one evening, time-stamps be damned. And by “one evening,”  I mean “it took her all fucking night to go through the materials and take the tests.”

This was quite a pain in the ass, and College Gal vowed never to a) take an online course again or b) if she absolutely had to, never let herself get that behind again. But College Gal makes a lot of blanket statements, and College Gal rarely follows through with them.

So more online courses came. More last-minute all-nighters ensued. Passing grades were attained, sometimes barely. After graduation, College Gal swore off the world of Online Learning entirely. And she lived happily ever after. The End. Haha, not!

Sooooooooo…here’s the thing: in order to build up the body of work to which I’d eventually like to lay claim, I need to, you know, do it. Online classes seemed to be the answer, except something in my brain would not allow me to remember to actually log in and do the work. The class came…and went. In February, I think, but it might have been March. Either way, I lasted about three weeks before becoming hopelessly distracted by… who the hell knows?

So when I say that I’d like to actually finish this one and have something to show for it, I’m being completely honest with myself. Perhaps I can find inspiration in Mr. Madison’s quest to finish school and earn his degree. Or maybe I’ll just end up watching the movie instead.

*Yup, nothing classier than FILMING YOUR TV AND POSTING THE VIDEO ON YOUTUBE, but it’s all I could find.

**This actually happened. Well, we started to, anyway. But that’s another story for another entry.

Yay for more 90s reminiscing!
…heard this one today while at the JC Penney which, incidentally, had some pretty rockin’ tunes playing.
NOTE: I also just realized that my meticulous link-making of each artist seems to have been for naught. I guess it’s just taking people to the Allmusic home page, which is nice, but defeats the purpose of meticulous link-making. I think I have it fixed now. And sorry, but I’m way too lazy to go back and fix the previous 600.

“The Way” / Fastball (1998)

When I was in high school, we had a “mixer” with this song as a theme. Yay, 90s!

“How Bizarre” / OMC (1997)

I slept in this morning, not because I was tired, but because I was having the most vivid, move-like dream I’ve had since, oh, last week. Also, I was this close to making out with Jamie Kennedy in said dream. That’s enough to keep a girl in bed for awhile. Literally.

But before I dive into that, I’ve gotta tell you about some shoes.

Yep, shoes. I know, right? Julie doesn’t give a crap about shoes – normally. But the other day, as I was forcing my mother to look at shoes at Kohl’s (she’s only bitched about needing new “church shoes” for oh, seventeen and a half years now), I saw The Pair.

A covetous feeling such as I’ve not felt since perhaps first grade overwhelmed me, and I’m almost ashamed to admit that these shoes so infiltrated my brain that they, too, were part of last night’s movie-dream.

But ohmygawd, they are cute! (And completely and totally impractical!) In fact, were I to purchase these heels, I’d almost certainly NEVER wear them, ever! I would have absolutely no occasion to strap these beasts to my big ol’ bony feet and prance (read: stumble) about town. (I’m also fairly sure that I’m just genetically incapable of wearing high-heeled shoes anyway). But ohhhhhhh. They’re preeeeeeetty.

Anyway. I digress. Here’s what little I remember from the plot from last night (this morning?):

I was somehow involved in the fashion world (stop laughing!). I wasn’t a model, but I think I did… I don’t know? Something to do with writing, perhaps. Or laying out catalogues? Actually, now that I think about it, my brain was really just ripping off The Devil Wears Prada and Ugly Betty.

So for some reason I’m at a fashion show. The dress I’m wearing is really cute, though. It’s red. It has a black tulle lining that peaks out from under the skirt. Really, I look like a 50s housewife. Also, the area in which the fashion show is being held looks suspiciously like the gate area of an airport terminal. Yup, I’m pretty sure that I had a connecting flight out of DFW at that spot once, in Real Life.

But I am nervous! For some reason, I have been asked to fill in at the fashion show. I think that is why I’m wearing the Cute Dress. I am very scared, because I have to wear high heels, and I can’t walk in high heels without looking like I’m walking in high heels. Also, I fear that I will fall. These fears are exponentially increased when I see the shoes I’m supposed to wear: it’s The Pair I mentioned earlier (though, really? Those blue shoes with that red dress? Uck).

why hello there!

But a fellow Fashion Industry Worker, played by Mr. Jamie Kennedy, comes to my rescue. He is some sort of Hot Shot Guy, much higher up the food chain than I, but is also a Nice Hot Shot Guy who deigns to speak with the peons of the magazine or whatever for which we both work. Together, we decide that if only I can get someone to escort me up the runway, I won’t fall down and ruin the show. But who will do it? He certainly can’t! He’s too Big and Important to do such a thing, and it makes perfect sense that he would…

…come up with a RIDICULOUS disguise! Suddenly he transforms himself into some sort of foreign “model,” complete with RIDICULOUS made-up accent so that he can walk with me without being found out for who he truly is.

Soon, it is my turn. I stand, my ankles made of all kinds of rubber (I mean, really? I’m not great on stilettos in Real Life, but I don’t wooble-like-a-weeble when I try to stand…but oh wait – who is there to catch me in this dream? Never mind). Then, one of those Weird Dream Things happens where there is some sort of implied intimacy that, unfortunately, cannot be recovered in the retelling of the dream; one of those near-miss sort of things: oooh we almost touched! or oooh we almost had our tongues down each other’s throat! or ooooh I’m pretty sure we weren’t wearing pants!. I once had a dream where the same thing happened with Val Kilmer (yeah. Eh. But I was also, like, 16) in the back of a limo.

Ahem. Anyway. Jamie Kennedy-as-Foreign-Model takes my hand and leads me through a tangle of chairs (again, this was pretty much an airport gate area) to a larger, more open area where I was supposed to just stand and look at the audience on my own. Oh, and also? In addition to Cute Dress and The Shoes, I’m wearing some sort of purse circa Claire’s-in-1994 that is very small, but with a long strap that is worn across one’s body. It is also red. Um, ew. I walk away from Mr. Kennedy (with the crowd whispering to themselves: Who is this hot foreign man we’ve never seen before?) and…

…I promptly fall down. Theatrically, really. I follow this graceful move up with a ta-da sort of bow and wave to the audience, then I run off the stage, presumably into Jamie Kennedy’s arms…

…but I WOULDN’T KNOW BECAUSE, damn it, Ma! I’m up! I’m up!

I tried to “go back” to the dream, but I could not. Alas.

“Uncle Walter” / Ben Folds Five (1995)

And the lyrics, just because:



Your Uncle Walter’s going on and on
’bout everything he’s seen and done
the voice of fifty years experience
he’s drunk watching the television
you know he’s been around the world
last night he flew to Baghdad
in his magical armchair
with cigarettes and a six pack
yeah, he just got back
the spit’s flying everywhere
hey hey hey hey

your Uncle Walter’s going on and on
(oh you’re back so late)
where did you go that you were gone so long?
and how could you leave me here
so long with Uncle Walter?

Your Uncle Walter saw
who fired the shots
he drove his chair in the cavalcade
He’s flown from South Africa to
countries where they beat themselves
on the backs with chains
there was a fleet of battleships
and one reclining chair
headed north on the Arabian Sea
Now he’s back to tell us what
he and his oldest boy Blair
they’re getting rich with
a mail order scheme oh oh

your Uncle Walter’s going on and on
(we’re so glad you’re home)
where did you go that you were gone so long?
and how could you leave me here
so long with Uncle Walter?

Your Uncle Walter told me
everything he’d do if he was president
Now what a perfect world
this world would be
if he was president now
but he’s not!

And he sees the children smoking pot
he knows that in a moment they’ll be
shooting up heroin
teardrops in his armchair
a fifty minute lecture
tobacco juice rolling down his chin

I wonder what this woman would say if I applied for this job?

Looking for a babysitter/assistant
Hello i am looking for a sitter just a few hours. everyother day while i go work out and tan. Might also need some that can travel out of town with me for my daughters beauty pageants!!!
Please let me know alittle about your self. Please (no moms) I need someone there for my children!Thanks

Better yet, what would I say to her?

I won’t keep you guessing, here it is:
You need someone “there for your children?” What about you, dipshit? I don’t like to make a habit out of wishing ill will on others, but I hope that tanning addiction of yours catches up to you sooner than later. Maybe just a bit of a basal cell carcinoma, possibly on the end of your surgically-modified nose. I hope it leaves a scar and your children (or is there more than one? The lack of proper punctuation confuses me) hate you. Okay, okay, easy there Julie. Calm down.

I hate people.

For the next five SOTDs (through 04.13, that is), I’m going to highlight my Current… no. Fuck it. I just have this song in my head, and wanted to share the love. Also, I think ol’ Jeremih stole that scarf-thing from someone’s MeeMaw.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYZXmY4aco8

“Birthday Sex” / Jeremih (2009)

For the next five SOTDs (through 04.13, that is), I’m going to highlight my Current Favorite Songs (note: these are not my All-Time Favorite Songs, which do not change. This is just what I’m listening to and loving right now).

More than just a loser:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=als_-cTQALQ

“Guess I’m Doing Fine” / Beck (2002)

So now my window opens, which is nice, except I couldn’t really get it to close all the way last night so I slept with it open, which was nice, except the tree that grows outside of the window gives off some sort of something that gives me a wicked sinus headache, which is not so nice, so I took some Benadryl, which I think is supposed to help, except I can’t remember if Benadryl makes me sleepy or wired, and I know what you’re thinking: you’re thinking “Julie, this entire post has been one long sentence, how can you think that you might be sleepy?” but to that I say: “Actually, I’m a little wired because I just drank a cup of coffee, thankyouverymuch,” and that’s nice, I guess, except I worry that by the time I go into work tonight at 5:00 I’ll be either hopping off of the walls or asleep on my feet and neither of those conditions is very nice for the workplace, unless one works as a Bouncy House operator or a professional sleep study participant and, sadly, I am neither.

Whew.