CBS fall lineup, ridiculed and not-quite previewed.

Let’s break it down by network, shall we? First, good ol’ CBS, which has been promoting the living daylights out of their fall lineup (I don’t know what soup and The Mentalist have in common, but they’ve somehow roped Campbell’s into the publicity blitz. What?).


I’ve written previously about my rabid adoration of CSI: Miami, but that doesn’t change the fact that it jumped the shark, so to speak, probably somewhere around episode 1. It’s campy and over-the-top and flashy and I love it, but I’ve got a feeling that CBS doesn’t completely agree with me. And, barring some sort of stellar writing turnaround this season, I have a feeling the show is nearing the end of its life. First, it’s been moved to Sunday nights where it will be competing against Brothers and Sisters on ABC and, well, that’s it. But it’s still buried: it’ll air at 9:00 (central). The people who are watching CBS on a Sunday night go to bed after 60 Minutes is over at 7:00.

And for the record, screw you, CSI: Miami. I know you’re not losing any major cast members but you act like every single person on the show is dead or nearly dying at the end of the season finale. It’s a dumb trick, and it irritates me.

Speaking of irritating tricks, how ’bout that CSI: NY? I re-watched the finale last night and thought I had it figured out (a gunshot rings out after everything has faded to black – oooh, suspenseful, eh?). I was sure that this was just some aggravating teaser: the gunshot was the sound of the good guy (well, girl) taking the bad guy down. But then I see a nanosecond of a snippet of the premiere and I’m confused, as everyone in that particular cliffhanger of an ending scene seems to be standing around, not bleeding to death. So what the hell? Argh. I lost interest in last season after the first few weeks. I hear Melina Kanakakakanakakananakanaredes is leaving. Oh, okay. And Sela Ward’s taking her place. That’s nice. Whatever.

Ambivalence is bliss, as no one says.

Enough of the CSIs. Here’s my recap:
How I Met Your Mother:
This is funnier than you think it is, and it’s still entertaining if you don’t follow it regularly. Oh, that Jason Segal! And that NPH! What clowns those two are.
Rules of Engagement: I don’t know. It’s… on?
Two and a Half Men: I only watch this in reruns when I’m waiting for something better to come on. It’s tolerable. Funnier than I thought, but not great enough to follow. I think maybe Charlie was going to get married? Or something? And he didn’t? Eh.
Mike & Molly: This one’s new and it could either be good or a horrible string of cliches and fat jokes. I hope they don’t rely on that particular premise to carry it through the season. Talk about horrible.
Hawaii Five-0: Was aghast when this was originally announced. I immediately bemoaned the lack of creativity in television writing – really? Just recycle an old show and make it flashier? Uh, I’ve since changed my mind. It’s actually the one new show to which I’m looking forward. And I figure if all else fails, I can put it on mute and just watch Alex O’Loughlin, Scott Caan and Daniel Dae Kim be bad-ass. Mmmm.

I like this show, but I’m lost on the whole Gibbs’-shady-past-coming-back-to-haunt-him biznass. I started working Tuesday nights and kept missing it, so I have no clue what’s going on. But I guess it’s suspenseful. I think someone’s gonna hurt Gibbs’ daddy. That’d be sad. Don’t kill John Walton!!
NCIS: Los Angeles: Flasier than the original, but in a nice, entertaining way that is pleasing to me. Again with the bad-assery: LL Cool J and Chris O’Donnell are another pair I could watch on mute.
The Good Wife: I have it on good authority that this is a good show worth your time. But I’ve never watched it and have only a superficial understanding of its plot. I guess Julianna Margulies is pretty bad ass herself here.

Oh, is this still on?
Criminal Minds: Losing its luster. I liked it at first but parts of it are kind of grating. I think they’re getting rid of JJ (AJ Cook). Dang. I liked her. Also, I didn’t really watch it this season so I have no idea what sort of unbelievable cliffhanger, edge-of-your-seat-ness they ended with. I can only assume it was incredibly horrible. The people who write these shows are some twisted fucks.
The Defenders: Here’s a little non-secret: I don’t actually like law shows. Never been my cup of tea. I’ll watch Law and Order until they get to the courtroom part. Then I turn it off. But this show is, I think, about more than just blah-blah-blah-Objection!-Overruled!-blah-blah-blah and more about the glitzy coke-and-hos set. It’ll take more than hookers and blow to make it on my must-watch list.

The Big Bang Theory
: Intelligent and uproarious. Like, I seriously gush over this program. The writing and acting is just sublime. Don’t worry about catching up, just watch it. Watch it and be amazed. Watch it and wonder what the fuck took you so long to do so (I did).
S#*! My Dad Says: Really, people? I hear it’s downright horrible, which makes sense because THEY MADE AN ENTIRE FUCKING TV SHOW ABOUT SOMEONE’S FUCKING TWITTER ACCOUNT? Really? I tweet some pretty random shit from time-to-time. Where the fuck’s my show? (And for the record, this Justin dude must be too busy making 80 zillion dollars off of his old man’s brain to actually tweet anything. I follow him and he only posts something like once a month, if that. What a rough life, dude).
CSI: I quit following the original years ago, when I finally realized that they couldn’t afford to properly compensate any lighting guys and had to rely on the actors flashlights to illuminate each scene. I’m sorry, I like to see what I’m watching. 
The Mentalist: The premise is pretty dumb, and it’s completely unrealistic that they’d let this schmuck fuck around with their police work for so long. But this Red John story is compelling. So I’ll stick it out for awhile longer. I mean, if I must watch Simon Baker (and Tim Kang!)  I guess I’ll do it. Wait, where’s the mute button?

: I thought this show was over? I’m so confused. Didn’t Allison die? Or does this mean she’s going to be in her pajamas all season? Lovely.
CSI: NY: See above
Blue Bloods: Another non-secret: I like cop shows. But this one doesn’t have me hooked just yet. If I do end up following it, it might not be until next year, if it makes it that long. We’ll see. Tom Selleck as a cop, though? But of course.

Holy shit, man! Are you still reading this?

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