Oscar picks, 2013

Even though I briefly thought my boy Paul N.J. Ottoson was summarily diss-missed among the nominees this year (I just skimmed through the nominees for Sound Editing like some carefree fool) I decided  to bring you (an abbreviated) list of my 2013 Academy Award Predictions!

Please, please. Calm yourselves. You’re causing a scene. And don’t make that face again. Yikes.

here's hoping you snag Number 3 tonight, baby.

here’s hoping you snag Number 3 tonight, baby.

First, though, some Full Disclosure: I am qualified to make these predictions based on these factors:
1. I watch a lot of television and flims. Enough so that I sometimes worry that parts of my brain are turning into jelly. Though that might be the margaritas talking.
2. Even though I have seen exactly zero of the Best Picture nominees, I have read the books upon which two of the movies (Zero Dark Thirty, Silver Linings Playbook) are based. This makes me feel super-smart (see also: cocky).
3. Nope, there is no 3.

Moving on!

Actor in a Leading Role:
Abraham Lincoln, portraying Daniel Day-Lewis, playing Abraham Lincoln as acted by Daniel Day-Lewis
Because: duh.

Actor in a Supporting Role:
Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained
Because: process of elimination, or,  my – mother – told – me – to – pick – the – very – best – one – and – you – are – not – it

Actress in a Leading Role:
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Because: I did not like the book, and I did not like Tiffany (Lawrence’s character) even more than I did not like the book. If she could have made that character likable, bra-fucking-vo! Well done, lady! Otherwise, I’m just going to operate under the assumption that this is one of those “the character is grating and weird-in-an-ungood-way but damn this chick just nailed it” performances.

Really? Who are you? WHAT are you?

Really? Who are you? WHAT are you?

 

 

Actress in a Supporting Role:
Anne Hathaway, Les Miseraereabaebles
Because:  It’s not that I want her to win, it’s that she just will. Hathaway is the ultimate Meta-Actor: she acts while she’s acting about acting. I can’t tell where she even begins, and I don’t think she knows, either.

 

 

 

As far as awards go, I’m stopping there. Unless you’re Erik-Jan De Boer‘s lover waiting at home in Dutch-Land (or wherever the hell Dutch people are from), no one cares. I will, however, offer a few more notes on the ceremony:

Predictions:
Seth MacFarlane will say something pants-shittingly funny.
Seth MacFarlane will do something pants-shittingly cringe-worthy.
Some famous actress will wear an outrageously-beautiful dress.
Some not-as-famous actress will wear an outrageously hideous garment-of-some-kind.

this might be the sort of colleague that ACTUAL female petty officers, er, think about

this might be the sort of colleague that ACTUAL female petty officers, er, think about

Gross Oversights:
Yeah, yeah, everyone’s bitching that Affleck wasn’t even nominated for Best Director, but what about these other slights or category omissions by the Academy?

* I’ve got four words for ya: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

* Special Recognition Award for Tyler Perry: though, really, I would have rather seen Madea cast as Alex Cross.

* Best sequel: Taken 2. Because no one learned their fucking lessons the first time around, and Liam Neeson obviously needs work.

* Most “What-the-faaa?” Award: Cloud Atlas. Because turning this monstrosity into a movie was a FANTASTIC idea. I mean, really.

* Thank God It’s Over Award: Twilight Breaking New Moon Dawn Vampire Wolves Shitshow. That was the last one, right?

* Best Supporting Actress oversight: Rihanna, for her gripping portrayal of a Naval Petty Officer in Battleship.

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