Even though I briefly thought my boy Paul N.J. Ottoson was summarily diss-missed among the nominees this year (I just skimmed through the nominees for Sound Editing like some carefree fool) I decided to bring you (an abbreviated) list of my 2013 Academy Award Predictions!
Please, please. Calm yourselves. You’re causing a scene. And don’t make that face again. Yikes.
First, though, some Full Disclosure: I am qualified to make these predictions based on these factors:
1. I watch a lot of television and flims. Enough so that I sometimes worry that parts of my brain are turning into jelly. Though that might be the margaritas talking.
2. Even though I have seen exactly zero of the Best Picture nominees, I have read the books upon which two of the movies (Zero Dark Thirty, Silver Linings Playbook) are based. This makes me feel super-smart (see also: cocky).
3. Nope, there is no 3.
Actor in a Leading Role:
Abraham Lincoln, portraying Daniel Day-Lewis, playing Abraham Lincoln as acted by Daniel Day-Lewis
Actor in a Supporting Role:
Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained
Because: process of elimination, or, my – mother – told – me – to – pick – the – very – best – one – and – you – are – not – it
Actress in a Leading Role:
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Because: I did not like the book, and I did not like Tiffany (Lawrence’s character) even more than I did not like the book. If she could have made that character likable, bra-fucking-vo! Well done, lady! Otherwise, I’m just going to operate under the assumption that this is one of those “the character is grating and weird-in-an-ungood-way but damn this chick just nailed it” performances.
Actress in a Supporting Role:
Anne Hathaway, Les Miseraereabaebles
Because: It’s not that I want her to win, it’s that she just will. Hathaway is the ultimate Meta-Actor: she acts while she’s acting about acting. I can’t tell where she even begins, and I don’t think she knows, either.
As far as awards go, I’m stopping there. Unless you’re Erik-Jan De Boer‘s lover waiting at home in Dutch-Land (or wherever the hell Dutch people are from), no one cares. I will, however, offer a few more notes on the ceremony:
Seth MacFarlane will say something pants-shittingly funny.
Seth MacFarlane will do something pants-shittingly cringe-worthy.
Some famous actress will wear an outrageously-beautiful dress.
Some not-as-famous actress will wear an outrageously hideous garment-of-some-kind.
Yeah, yeah, everyone’s bitching that Affleck wasn’t even nominated for Best Director, but what about these other slights or category omissions by the Academy?
* I’ve got four words for ya: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
* Special Recognition Award for Tyler Perry: though, really, I would have rather seen Madea cast as Alex Cross.
* Best sequel: Taken 2. Because no one learned their fucking lessons the first time around, and Liam Neeson obviously needs work.
* Most “What-the-faaa?” Award: Cloud Atlas. Because turning this monstrosity into a movie was a FANTASTIC idea. I mean, really.
* Thank God It’s Over Award: Twilight Breaking New Moon Dawn Vampire Wolves Shitshow. That was the last one, right?
* Best Supporting Actress oversight: Rihanna, for her gripping portrayal of a Naval Petty Officer in Battleship.