save big money…

They’ve quasi-recently opened a gargantuan Menard’s store not too far from here. To this point, I’d only been peripherally aware of this chain’s existence. I’m pretty sure they were a thing in Indiana when I lived there light years ago, but I don’t ever remember visiting one in the five years I spent as an adopted Hoosier.

I honestly had no idea what sort of goods or services this place offered until recently, when I started perusing their Sunday circular novella. No, for serious. The Menard’s ad that comes in the paper each week is absolutely enormous. 85 pages of every-damn-thing you can imagine, Now On Sale! Do you need a reciprocating saw? Go to Menard’s! 4 tons of decorative landscaping gravel? Go to Menard’s! How about some Cheerios? Or beef jerky? Or tomato soup? Go to Menard’s! Long underwear? Women’s hair accessories? A swing set? Granite countertops? GET THEE TO A FUCKING MENARD’S.

In fact, I’ve found it’s easier to list things that are not available for purchase at your local Menard’s (you’re welcome):

Coffins
Children
Marital aids
Ferrets
Ferret-like marital aids
Dictionaries
Opera glasses
Coffee filters

Menard’s, if you’re reading this, the coffee filter thing really puzzles me. Clue me in here, please. Also: maybe consider the ferret idea. You’d certainly have that market locked down.

You can't tell me you don't think this guy is at least open to the ferret idea...

You can’t tell me you don’t think this guy is at least open to the ferret thing…

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