I almost posted something on Facebook to the effect of “I want a do-over.”
This wouldn’t have been referring to anything specific. Just a general blah sort of feeling.
Except, really, it’s not true. I’ve spent some time entertaining visions of What Could Have Been – what if I’d stayed in that town? What if I’d stayed in school? What if I hadn’t quit that job? What if? What if? What if? – but in the end, I get by knowing that things are the way they are supposed to be.
: )
I’ve been rifling through my memories of Christmases Past, trying to remember if there ever was a particular gift I begged Santa for, Ralphie-Parker-style. For the life of me, I can’t remember one single thing I thought that I MUST HAVE that I eventually received (or didn’t receive, for that matter). I think this is because even children overtaken by materialistic obsessions get over their temporary insanity pretty quickly when all is said and done. Or at least, I did.
I do recall one nauseating instance in which I asked my Dad why another family in the neighborhood had so many more toys than I did. I was young, maybe a kindergartner or first grader at the most, and I remember very clearly my Dad kneeling down to my level and listening to my concerns. I don’t know what his answer was (though it was probably a very calm and reasonable explanation – namely that that particular family had EIGHT FUCKING CHILDREN so yeah, it was a numbers game), but he probably should have smacked me across my bratty face instead. Ugh! Ugh, I tell you! I hope with all of my heart and soul he doesn’t remember that conversation.
It’s funny how this memory stuck with me for 25+ years, eh?
1. You can ask questions. You want to know what an AA meeting is like? I’ll tell you what I know.
2. You can avoid the subject entirely, but if you don’t bring it up I won’t either.
3. You can talk about drinking. I will likely join you. We’ll just be speaking in different verb tenses.
4. You can drink, but if it makes you feel weird doing so around me, don’t. Because if you’re all uncomfortable and weird, I’m gonna feel all uncomfortable and weird. But if you’re having a good time, chances are I am too. That said:
4a. I am, obviously, not interested in hanging out for the sole purpose of getting wasted. But you know what? I’ve racked my brain and can think of almost zero situations where that’s the focal point anyway. I won’t join your beer pong league. But other than that, I think we’re cool.
5. I’m in the awkward place right now of not knowing exactly who’s read the past few entries and who has not. But I put it out there, on the vast galaxy of the Internet, so who am I to care if you run into one of our mutual acquaintances: “Did you see what Julie posted? What the fuck?” Hell, I’d do it if I were you.
That said, I’d prefer that you refrain from the “what the fuck?” conversations with my immediate family. I can’t stop friends from gossiping (and I use that word without negative connotations, trust), but be easy with the fam. Please.
6. I’m still me. You and I are still cool. This whole thing doesn’t have to be a big deal, ok? Okay. Thanks. *fist bump* Word.
As unbelievable as it might sound, I had nearly zero expectations when I published my previous post. I was so nervous about the whole damn thing (I also posted the link on my Facebook page), that it never even occurred to me that people would actually comment on it. Or reach out to me.
I wasn’t expecting that. At all. (I guess it’d be more accurate to say my super-duper-mucho-intensivo anxiety clouded any foresight I could have about the whole thing).
And while I still question my decision to just lay it all out there like that, the regrets I have fade with every message and email I receive.
Because it’s all been overwhelmingly positive. Sure, there are the “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME SOONER?” ones. Those make me cringe the worst. I never, ever wanted any of my closest, dearest friends to feel like I somehow didn’t care enough about them to confide in them personally. Truth is, I figured if i just started telling a few people at a time, I’d lose my nerve before I got too far down the list. So instead I just ripped off the Band-aid.
Overall, though: Whoa [Keanu Reeves voice]. For real, y’all. To say that I feel loved, lucky, blessed, whatever – that’d win Gold at the Understatement Olympics.
I’m pretty sure I’ve got more words in me to talk about this whole mess. The massive amount of support that’s been heaped around me has been matched by a million and one questions. I will get to those in time, hopefully sooner rather than later.
Until then, though: Thank you. So much.
the sloppy copy 