This morning I stumbled on an article called “12 Things I thought About Babies…Before I Had One.”
This oughta be good, I thought. And away I clicked.
As I read, though, I became confused. Who the hell wrote this? Under what giant-ass rock had she taken up residence? Did she not know any other people with children?
The list includes things like It’ll be easy to get out with the baby. Seriously? Had this woman never watched someone try to shop for groceries when 99% of their shopping cart is taken up by an infant seat? Or seen someone wrestle a stroller onto public transportation? And it’s not just struggling with the baby-carrying receptacle. Don’t forget the 20-lb diaper bag. And your own stuff. I’ve taken cross-country flights and packed less baggage than it takes to transport one small human from home to the Walgreens.
My personal favorite? I’ll be naturally good at being a mom. FOR REAL: Does anyone actually think that? Sure, if I ever have kids I’m sure I’ll instinctually want to, like, protect them and shit. But naturally being able to just fucking BE a parent? This woman is downright delusional, unless her idea of parenting is just to leave the kid alone and occasionally check on them to make sure they’re conscious. I hear people say stuff like “Oh, so-and-so would be a good Dad / Mom,” after watching that person make silly faces at someone else’s kid for 0.7 seconds. No. Uh-uh. That ain’t how it works. I’m sure there are some excellent silly face-makers on your local sex offender registry.
Does that qualify them to raise children?
I admit that my perceptions of parenthood and children are skewed. Kids scare the hell out of me and the idea of raising one makes me exhausted and cranky and anxious just thinking about it. Yeah, yeah: they say it’s rewarding as hell in the end and there are fun moments and I also hear they eventually stop pooping on you and learn to tie their own damn shoes. I’ve just got myself mentally prepared for the absolute worst, and it kind of boggles my mind that this attitude isn’t damn-near universal.
This isn’t to say that if I ever find myself faced with such a
curse blessing, I won’t be happy or excited. I’d just like to think that, thanks to my friends who’ve forged this path before me, I have a much more realistic idea of the whole thing.