the sloppy copy

Apparently Lay’s is having another one of their “come up with a new flavor of potato chip” contests. Okay, that’s cool I guess. Whatevs. I’m sure there are some truly inventive and possibly delicious ideas floating out there among the snack-loving public.

I’m also equally as sure (if not, more so) that there are some truly heinous and possibly poisonous ideas just waiting to be skimmed off the top of that same tepid cesspool of humankind’s Collective Unconscious.

So would someone please tell me why this company decided to just let any Joe Schmoe with a cell phone and opposable thumbs submit their ideas via TEXT? Did they not consider the alarmingly-vast number of junior high kids entrusted with iPhones? Did they fail to realize just how many people in general (read: males aged 11-99) might think that chips flavored like POOP or BUTT is, like, fucking hilarious!?

Like, really, Frito Lay? Really?

The Search
a play in 5 acts

I.

LANDLORD: Hey guess what? Your rent is going to go up almost $100 a month! Surprise, sucka!
JULIE: Are you fucking kidding me?
LANDLORD: Nope! Joke’s on you!
JULIE: Guess I’m looking for a cheaper place to live.
LANDLORD: Oh, and please be out in six weeks.

II.

PLACE #1: The only 1-bedroom I have available for the next 5 years is on the first floor, facing the parking lot. I hope you don’t like to keep your windows open or anything.
JULIE: I’d rather be on the second floor…
PLACE #1: Well, your concern for your personal safety seems a little arbitrary, but whatever. I’ve got a 2-bedroom available ASAP on the second floor. It’s $20 more a month than you’ll be paying at your current place.
JULIE: Well… it is a pretty nice apartment…
PLACE #1: FILL OUT THIS APPLICATION RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR ELSE YOU WILL LOSE ANY CHANCE OF LIVING HERE EVER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
JULIE: Uh, okay, so where do I–
PLACE #1: Also, give us a check for half of the security deposit. Uh, you know, to secure this place.
JULIE: I think I want to shop around…
PLACE #1: Good luck with that. Just give us your fucking money.

III.

PLACE #2: Hello! Welcome to our clubhouse! Let me tell you about our available units!
JULIE: This building smells…familiar…
PLACE #2: We have a 1-bedroom available in two weeks!
JULIE: …it reminds me of something…
PLACE #2: …and for less than what you’d be paying at your current place!
JULIE: …it’s not bringing up…good...memories…
PLACE #2: Washer and dryer included!
JULIE: Oh, God…I know what that smell is…
PLACE #2: The unit is a little dated, and the only storage is a cage built from chicken-wire and 2x4s in a room shared with 17 other people…
JULIE: Jagermeister? Are you fucking kidding me? The clubhouse smells like a fucking frat house.
PLACE #2: Also, you can’t bring your cat.

VI.

PLACE #3: HI HI HI HI HI HI HI! HOW’S IT GOING??????
JULIE: Uh, good, I’m interested in a one-bedroom…
PLACE #3: OKAY, OKAY, GREAT, FANTASTIC! FOLLOW ME! I’LL GIVE YOU THE TOUR!
JULIE: Oh, okaaaay. I–
PLACE #3: THESE UNITS ARE BIG AND PRETTY AND HAVE HIGH CEILINGS AND GAS FIREPLACES AND SPRINKLER SYSTEMS AND DOORBELLS AND WASHER/DRYER CONNECTIONS AND STORAGE AND BALCONIES AND GREAT SECURITY AND THE POOL IS OPEN GREAT HOURS AND WE HAVE A FITNESS CENTER AND IT’S AWESOME AND MAINTENANCE IS TOP NOTCH AND YOU CAN BRING YOUR CAT AND I HAVE A UNIT YOU CAN HAVE RIGHT FUCKING NOW, LIKE SERIOUSLY JUST BRING YOUR SHIT OVER THIS VERY FUCKING SECOND AND WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
JULIE: …uh, what’s the rent?
PLACE #3: 45 THOUSAND TIMES WHAT YOU ARE PAYING NOW! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

V.

JULIE: Place #1? I think I’ll take that 2-bedroom. I’ve done the math, and even though it is more than I will be paying at my current complex, I’ll be able to handle it, financially. Anyway, I’ll be upgrading into a nicer area, a nicer apartment, and more square footage. It just makes sense to me.
PLACE #1: Great. How much money do you earn each month?
JULIE: $X,XXX.
PLACE #1: Ooooh, sorry. You need to earn about 3 times that much to be approved.
JULIE: If I made that much money, I’d be applying for a mortgage, not a fucking apartment.
PLACE #1: Oh well! Hey, thanks for all that deposit money!