a play in 5 acts
LANDLORD: Hey guess what? Your rent is going to go up almost $100 a month! Surprise, sucka!
JULIE: Are you fucking kidding me?
LANDLORD: Nope! Joke’s on you!
JULIE: Guess I’m looking for a cheaper place to live.
LANDLORD: Oh, and please be out in six weeks.
PLACE #1: The only 1-bedroom I have available for the next 5 years is on the first floor, facing the parking lot. I hope you don’t like to keep your windows open or anything.
JULIE: I’d rather be on the second floor…
PLACE #1: Well, your concern for your personal safety seems a little arbitrary, but whatever. I’ve got a 2-bedroom available ASAP on the second floor. It’s $20 more a month than you’ll be paying at your current place.
JULIE: Well… it is a pretty nice apartment…
PLACE #1: FILL OUT THIS APPLICATION RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR ELSE YOU WILL LOSE ANY CHANCE OF LIVING HERE EVER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
JULIE: Uh, okay, so where do I–
PLACE #1: Also, give us a check for half of the security deposit. Uh, you know, to secure this place.
JULIE: I think I want to shop around…
PLACE #1: Good luck with that. Just give us your fucking money.
PLACE #2: Hello! Welcome to our clubhouse! Let me tell you about our available units!
JULIE: This building smells…familiar…
PLACE #2: We have a 1-bedroom available in two weeks!
JULIE: …it reminds me of something…
PLACE #2: …and for less than what you’d be paying at your current place!
JULIE: …it’s not bringing up…good...memories…
PLACE #2: Washer and dryer included!
JULIE: Oh, God…I know what that smell is…
PLACE #2: The unit is a little dated, and the only storage is a cage built from chicken-wire and 2x4s in a room shared with 17 other people…
JULIE: Jagermeister? Are you fucking kidding me? The clubhouse smells like a fucking frat house.
PLACE #2: Also, you can’t bring your cat.
PLACE #3: HI HI HI HI HI HI HI! HOW’S IT GOING??????
JULIE: Uh, good, I’m interested in a one-bedroom…
PLACE #3: OKAY, OKAY, GREAT, FANTASTIC! FOLLOW ME! I’LL GIVE YOU THE TOUR!
JULIE: Oh, okaaaay. I–
PLACE #3: THESE UNITS ARE BIG AND PRETTY AND HAVE HIGH CEILINGS AND GAS FIREPLACES AND SPRINKLER SYSTEMS AND DOORBELLS AND WASHER/DRYER CONNECTIONS AND STORAGE AND BALCONIES AND GREAT SECURITY AND THE POOL IS OPEN GREAT HOURS AND WE HAVE A FITNESS CENTER AND IT’S AWESOME AND MAINTENANCE IS TOP NOTCH AND YOU CAN BRING YOUR CAT AND I HAVE A UNIT YOU CAN HAVE RIGHT FUCKING NOW, LIKE SERIOUSLY JUST BRING YOUR SHIT OVER THIS VERY FUCKING SECOND AND WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
JULIE: …uh, what’s the rent?
PLACE #3: 45 THOUSAND TIMES WHAT YOU ARE PAYING NOW! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
JULIE: Place #1? I think I’ll take that 2-bedroom. I’ve done the math, and even though it is more than I will be paying at my current complex, I’ll be able to handle it, financially. Anyway, I’ll be upgrading into a nicer area, a nicer apartment, and more square footage. It just makes sense to me.
PLACE #1: Great. How much money do you earn each month?
PLACE #1: Ooooh, sorry. You need to earn about 3 times that much to be approved.
JULIE: If I made that much money, I’d be applying for a mortgage, not a fucking apartment.
PLACE #1: Oh well! Hey, thanks for all that deposit money!