the sloppy copy

…in memoriam of the downright awesome dream that I had last night that will never, ever come true (also: bad vid, just give it a listen)

“Narcolepsy” / Ben Folds (1999)

I know we don’t have to, but what if I want to?

“We don’t have to take our clothes off” / Jermaine Stewart (1986)

Recognize the song? It’s featured in a Ford Fiesta commercial. But this is a good band. For reals.

“Janglin” / Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros (2009)

Also, did I include a link to the Ford website? You bet your sweet ass I did. Ford’s payin for my daddy’s retirement, y’all. Buy yourself a freakin Ford! (Or Mercury, or Lincoln, or Mazda… or Jaguar. Except I don’t think any of my readers are of the Jag-driving type).

Dear Craigslist job-posters,
First, a question: Do you really want me to apply for this position? Or is it a joke? Because I think it’s a joke. I mean, I can see why you’re in need of a wrtier/editor for youre websit, because it appears that you had to resort to asking a marmot with a limited grasp of English grammar to post your ad.

Second, is this a joke? No. I’m serious. When the text

is posted like this, as if it were originally typed in, oh I

don’t know? Microsof

t Word? (No. Probably Notepad) but you forgot to adju

st the formatting so that it was readable on-line

it’s difficult for me to take it seriously. Also, it’s hard to actually, you know, read what you have to say.

"Wait, is it 'your' or 'you're'? Oh, screw it. I'm taking a nap."

Third, you’re joking, right? I’ve read through your entire ad twice and I still don’t know exactly what you want me to do. You’ve provided me with many EXCITING WORDS with NUMEROUS SYLLABLES typed in SUPERFLUOUS CAPITAL LETTERS, and yet – I’ve not the faintest, foggiest, blurriest inkling as to what the position for which I MUST APPLY TODAY might entail.

And yes, I see that your ad is approximately 15 pages long, in one solid, unbreaking paragraph, but I’m not closer to figuring out a) the job title or b) the job description than I am to becoming House Majority Leader.

So, you’re kidding, right?

Majority Leader for the United States House of Representatives Steny "I don't know what it's short for, either" Hoyer

Fourth (last), you’ve got to be joking, right? I’ll be compensated $.0001 per word for each article I submit, with a minimum of 45,202 articles to be submitted per week, at a minimum of 5,000 words per article? No sweat, asshat. Even though I’ve not done any freelance work or paid blogging, I will blindly assume that this is the fair market rate for the HIGH QUALITY WRITTING that you desire. You also say that I can write on any subject I choose, eh? Well, Mister Man, I happen to really enjoy researching and writing about the history of tobacco in the United States, in particular the development of the Ultra Light Cigarette and its impact on global marketing strategies. Think you’ve got some work for me? Because you specifically say that I won’t have to write about things in which I have no EXPERTS OR PERSONNEL INTRESTS.

In summation, if you would be so kind as to provide me with a clearly-worded, succinct job description for a position that actually exists and for which the work is fairly compensated, I would be more than happy to submit my clearly-worded and succinct cover letter and resume.

Otherwise, are you joking?

Yours truly,
Julie

Not sure a pitchy little sentence can accurately describe how much I love this song (and this album).

“One” / Vampire Weekend (2008)

Julie’s Housekeeping Tip Du Jour!!!

In a pinch, laundry stain remover can be used on carpet! Specifically, Shout stain remover for laundry does WONDERS for red wine stains on a friend’s carpet (also, who the hell has carpeting in their dining room, aside from everyone I know? Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb).

Also, if you are at a dinner party, and someone brings a bottle of REAL wine (that is, with a cork and not a screw-top), do not ask Julie to open it! She will manage to decimate the cork and cause it to descend into the bottle, causing small bits of disgusting-ness to happily bob up and down in the wine, along with the bottom half of the cork.

Seriously, this is a skill I need to master, because it’s getting ridiculous. And gross.

If you’ve not already, you should check out Crap at my Parents’ House. It’s wonderful.

It’s also inspiring to the legions of us who look around their parents’ homes with that unique combination of awe, delight and disgust: where the hell did all this crap come from? we collectively wonder. Was it always like this?

This site, and my desire for some crackers this afternoon, are the push behind today’s Photo Essay. Behold what is only a mere microcosm of the contents of the pantry (and refrigerator) at my parents’ home:

First, I present to you the Crackercopia:

A diverse offering of wheat, wheat, wheat, saltine and wheat selections.

As I staged the photo above, I came across several more boxes that, when removed from the pantry, proved to be the basis for Croutonapalooza ’10:

Okay, I like to eat croutons straight from the box, so this find was a bit more exciting to me. Until I took a closer look:

Two years expired? Not so bad, I guess.

Five years? Uh, not as acceptable.* Let’s just say that the birds in the backyard are eating well this afternoon.

Lastly: whatever shall we serve on the crackers and croutons? I present to you Mustard Mania:

Sorry for the shaky picture quality. I was trying hard not to laugh.

*But seriously: how does a box of stale bread expire? Does it revert back into a soft-bread form? (Answer: yes, yes it does. Pliable croutons are disgusting croutons. Sorry, birdies.

This reminds me working at Sonic, one of the managers would scream this song at the top of his lungs from the kitchen when it came on the radio.  Good times, good times.

“Bad Day” / Fuel (2000)

I wonder whatever happened to this guy?

“Colorful” / Rocco DeLuca and the Burden (2006)

Also, the name of the album on which this is featured is I Trust You To Kill Me. I always thought that was a neat title, but I’m not sure why.