“So what does he want us all to bring to this party? I just kind of assumed it was BYOB; I don’t think we want a repeat of last time when Jason showed up and drank all the beer. No, seriously: the dude drank all the goddamn beer. Matt probably bought, like, a thousand beers for the party and Jason drank every last fucking one. Well, fuck you, Jason, because I’m bringing my own shit.
“I mean, I’ll share whatever I bring. But not with Jason. Well, he probably won’t be there anyway. I think he moved to Houston or Florida or some shit, right? Or wait – isn’t he in rehab or jail or something? Actually, I think it’s rehab jail. In Houston. Or Florida.
“If the last party is any indication, the girl: guy ratio will favor the ladies, so I’m thinking that some sort of cocktail mixes are in order. I think they sell margaritas with tequila already in it, right? Oh, yeah, right here. Holy fuck, this shit’s expensive! Fifteen bucks for a gallon of margarita?! Do you realize how many gallons of beer I can buy for 15 bucks? Fine, fine. But I’m not getting the Jose Cuervo shit. What’s this? Chi-chis? What the hell is Chi-chis? Is that that Mexican place that Jason got thrown out of last Cinco de Mayo? Oh, fuck, man! It is. Jesus, he’s lucky that waitress didn’t press charges, man. That was just nasty.
Okay, so I’ll get some of this Chi-chis stuff. What else? Should I get some chips? I think they’re… whoa, wait! There’s, like, a whole other fucking aisle of liquor in this place! No shit, bro! Ohhhhh…No way! No way! There’s a motherfucking clearance bin! Oh, forget this Chi-chis crap, there’s some other stuff here: Juan Pablo’s Mango Margarita Madness. Six bucks, man! Should I get two? Oh, wait, there’s only one left…
“Yeah, it’s in a plastic bottle. No- I know better. I remember last time. Does Matt still have that dog? Oh, man. I didn’t know dogs ate queso, man. That dog was fucking stupid. Any idiot could see it had fucking glass in it.
“Okay, so I got the drinks. What else? Chips? Okay, we’ve got regular…wavy…salt and vinegar… honey barbe– whoa. Whoa. Hold up, son. I have a fucking awesome idea…
“Fruit! Yes. Fruit. They’ve got watermelon already cut up! All we have to do is pour some grain alcohol over it and bam! Instant drunk. This is GENIUS, man. Genius. You’re lucky I’m your friend, bro. I am FULL of good goddamn ideas!
“Oh, shit, you’re right. They don’t sell that shit in this state. How long does it take to get to the state line? I think they got it south of here, right? I could probably make it in an hour…
“Mmmm. Yeah, good point. Matt’s neighbors are a bunch of tools. They call the cops all the fucking time on him. Maybe we’ll just use vodka. Don’t want to tempt fate. Especially if Jason shows up. Unless he’s fucking dead or something. Fucking Jason.”
“Okay, I’m gonna check out now.