Dear Whoever is Reading This or Whomever is Reading This, Whichever is More Grammatically Accurate:
Here’s my cover letter. I’m applying for the <job title> position. I saw it online at <website> and thought “whoa, I think that I could do this.” And then I read through the “qualifications” section and was like “Oh, hell yes – it’s like this job was created just for yours truly! I can’t wait to wow them with my academic and experiential cred!”
So I put together my resume, and let me tell ya – I really took my time with that one. The formatting was a bitch! Seriously, my resume alone is proof that I’m a Microsoft Word ninja. I am pretty fucking proud of myself with that one: I spent, like, an hour getting the tabs just right. Jesus. You’ll also notice that I was nice enough to just put the whole damn thing into a pdf for you, because NO WAY in HAY-ELL was that bitch gonna open up smoothly on your computer. It sounds like yours is a PC department, which is fine and I won’t hold it against you. But I’m a Mac gal, for better or for worse, and the document probably just looks prettier on my screen than on yours.
Okay, so aaaanyway, my resume is attached. But your online application system is asking for a cover letter, too. I really hate cover letters; I tried to apply without one and the system was getting all pissy on me.
So here I am, cover letter-ing it up for ya. Honestly, I’d hope that my resume speaks enough to my qualifications, and the cover letter is just redundantly describing each bullet point in further detail, but – hey! You’re the doctor, eh? Ha, ha. But no, seriously: just give me a call and I’d be happy to chat you up. I’ll even speak in complete sentences so that it’s like you’re just reading a cover letter. Actually, you might as well just invite me to your office to discuss this opportunity further. I’ll even bring the coffee. Are you okay with Folger’s? ‘Cause I can’t afford that Starbucks shit. I mean, I am job searching, after all. Okay, okay, fine. But it’s gonna have to be that instant stuff. Is there a hot water pot in your office? Or should I just run the tap in the bathroom? Whatever. Either way, there will be coffee.
Anyway, I’m gonna wrap this up now. Just go ahead and let me know when you want me to come in. My schedule’s pretty much open, but I’d prefer it not be before 10:00 in the morning. A girl needs her beauty sleep, after all, heh heh.
Peace out cub scouts,