the sloppy copy

Dear Craigslist job-posters,
First, a question: Do you really want me to apply for this position? Or is it a joke? Because I think it’s a joke. I mean, I can see why you’re in need of a wrtier/editor for youre websit, because it appears that you had to resort to asking a marmot with a limited grasp of English grammar to post your ad.

Second, is this a joke? No. I’m serious. When the text

is posted like this, as if it were originally typed in, oh I

don’t know? Microsof

t Word? (No. Probably Notepad) but you forgot to adju

st the formatting so that it was readable on-line

it’s difficult for me to take it seriously. Also, it’s hard to actually, you know, read what you have to say.

"Wait, is it 'your' or 'you're'? Oh, screw it. I'm taking a nap."

Third, you’re joking, right? I’ve read through your entire ad twice and I still don’t know exactly what you want me to do. You’ve provided me with many EXCITING WORDS with NUMEROUS SYLLABLES typed in SUPERFLUOUS CAPITAL LETTERS, and yet – I’ve not the faintest, foggiest, blurriest inkling as to what the position for which I MUST APPLY TODAY might entail.

And yes, I see that your ad is approximately 15 pages long, in one solid, unbreaking paragraph, but I’m not closer to figuring out a) the job title or b) the job description than I am to becoming House Majority Leader.

So, you’re kidding, right?

Majority Leader for the United States House of Representatives Steny "I don't know what it's short for, either" Hoyer

Fourth (last), you’ve got to be joking, right? I’ll be compensated $.0001 per word for each article I submit, with a minimum of 45,202 articles to be submitted per week, at a minimum of 5,000 words per article? No sweat, asshat. Even though I’ve not done any freelance work or paid blogging, I will blindly assume that this is the fair market rate for the HIGH QUALITY WRITTING that you desire. You also say that I can write on any subject I choose, eh? Well, Mister Man, I happen to really enjoy researching and writing about the history of tobacco in the United States, in particular the development of the Ultra Light Cigarette and its impact on global marketing strategies. Think you’ve got some work for me? Because you specifically say that I won’t have to write about things in which I have no EXPERTS OR PERSONNEL INTRESTS.

In summation, if you would be so kind as to provide me with a clearly-worded, succinct job description for a position that actually exists and for which the work is fairly compensated, I would be more than happy to submit my clearly-worded and succinct cover letter and resume.

Otherwise, are you joking?

Yours truly,
Julie

Not sure a pitchy little sentence can accurately describe how much I love this song (and this album).

“One” / Vampire Weekend (2008)

Julie’s Housekeeping Tip Du Jour!!!

In a pinch, laundry stain remover can be used on carpet! Specifically, Shout stain remover for laundry does WONDERS for red wine stains on a friend’s carpet (also, who the hell has carpeting in their dining room, aside from everyone I know? Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb).

Also, if you are at a dinner party, and someone brings a bottle of REAL wine (that is, with a cork and not a screw-top), do not ask Julie to open it! She will manage to decimate the cork and cause it to descend into the bottle, causing small bits of disgusting-ness to happily bob up and down in the wine, along with the bottom half of the cork.

Seriously, this is a skill I need to master, because it’s getting ridiculous. And gross.

If you’ve not already, you should check out Crap at my Parents’ House. It’s wonderful.

It’s also inspiring to the legions of us who look around their parents’ homes with that unique combination of awe, delight and disgust: where the hell did all this crap come from? we collectively wonder. Was it always like this?

This site, and my desire for some crackers this afternoon, are the push behind today’s Photo Essay. Behold what is only a mere microcosm of the contents of the pantry (and refrigerator) at my parents’ home:

First, I present to you the Crackercopia:

A diverse offering of wheat, wheat, wheat, saltine and wheat selections.

As I staged the photo above, I came across several more boxes that, when removed from the pantry, proved to be the basis for Croutonapalooza ’10:

Okay, I like to eat croutons straight from the box, so this find was a bit more exciting to me. Until I took a closer look:

Two years expired? Not so bad, I guess.

Five years? Uh, not as acceptable.* Let’s just say that the birds in the backyard are eating well this afternoon.

Lastly: whatever shall we serve on the crackers and croutons? I present to you Mustard Mania:

Sorry for the shaky picture quality. I was trying hard not to laugh.

*But seriously: how does a box of stale bread expire? Does it revert back into a soft-bread form? (Answer: yes, yes it does. Pliable croutons are disgusting croutons. Sorry, birdies.

This reminds me working at Sonic, one of the managers would scream this song at the top of his lungs from the kitchen when it came on the radio.  Good times, good times.

“Bad Day” / Fuel (2000)

I wonder whatever happened to this guy?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzHRmMGocD8&feature=av2e

“Colorful” / Rocco DeLuca and the Burden (2006)

Also, the name of the album on which this is featured is I Trust You To Kill Me. I always thought that was a neat title, but I’m not sure why.

While I’m not necessarily all Carrie Bradshaw about them, I do enjoy shoes – or at least, window shopping for them. I was born with long, ski-like feet with spindly talon-toes, which makes finding cute shoes that stay on my feet a bit of a challenge.

But that doesn’t stop me from pretending that a) I have an occasion to wear the aforementioned Cute Shoes or b) said shoes are not, in fact, extremely uncomfortable.

As you might imagine, the Search for Cute Shoes often leads one into the land of Fugly Shoes, and into that land I journeyed today, all for the sake of entertaining my 4 readers.

First we have these beasts pictured at right (They’re a Jessica Simpson design, apparently). Here are my questions:
1. Who wears this color on their feet? I can’t imagine an outfit that these suckers would complement. I once had some couches that were this exact color; I believe they were constructed of some sort of plastic-coated DuPont product (yay, residence hall-grade furniture!). Though I can’t be sure, I wouldn’t be surprised if these shoes were also constructed of the same material.
2. This is – what? – a 14″ heel? How does one physically walk while wearing these?

Second: a doozy of a pair as seen on the Victoria’s Secret website. Lovely, no? It appears that someone took a pair of regular pumps and then attached them to this poor girl’s feet and ankles using black electrical tape. I honestly cannot figure out how they actually go on one’s feet. Are theose bungee straps? (if so, they might have just become a few notches cooler). Or is this some sort of elaborate belt buckle system at work here?

Oh, and again with the 24″ heels. Judging by the legs whose feet have been forced into these ghastly contraptions, I’m sure this chick is not under 5’7″, making the need for such astronomically high heels just ludicrous.

Really, Vicki? Really?

Did I save the best for last? Oh, girl, just look for yourself. These Steve Maddens aren’t so much “shoes” as they are “feet cages.” I’m sure this is the reason they’re pictured sans feets, as I don’t know if there’s a way to make these puppies look comfortable (or good, for that matter).

Also-also! The mega-wedge! Why, Mr. Madden? Why? This shoe might possibly be passable as a normal old heel… but then again, probably not.

upbeat music + hint of australian accent = happier song today

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EstY-8NWSgE&feature=av2n

“Catch my disease” / Ben Lee (2005)

I always liked this song, but it’s since taken on a sadder tone. John McCauley of Deer Tick played this as a tribute to Dave Hagerty of Fattback before their concert on Thursday  – a concert that Fattback was scheduled to open. Dave passed away last week after being involved in a hit-and-run car accident.

“Sleepwalk” / Santo & Johnny (1959)