autocorrective asphyxiation

Beginning with one weirdly autocorrected text sent to Juanita, I decided to send the rest of my messages to her sans proofreading and with little regard for, you know, accuracy.

Let me preface this by saying I don’t have one of those fancy-pants smart phones. Mine flips open and has buttons roughly the size of Kennedy half dollars. I have it set to “T9,” which I think means “Sorry, no matter how many times you type the word twatwaffle [read: a lot] it will still fail to auto-enter it for you.”

Here goes:

Me: Before i proofread that message it said this:
can i runs cz the bank no the way god so i can
deposit my commission check

Juanita: LOL  LOL LOL Thanks you just made my day!

I just type too east

You just sent me a message that said
I JUST TYPE TOO EAST.
I prefer to type to the west.

I know… I left it that way on purpose… Which ORIGINALLY said
‘I let it that way no surprore’ LOL LOL

LOL LOL STOP IT YOU’RE KILLING ME!!!

I keep laughing out loud. My boss must think I’m nuts. OR…
i’m laughi out love. My boss must think i’m ous

LOL ! FOR SURE YOU’LL LEAVE AT 5:00…
YOUR BOSS WILL WANT THAT LOONY OFF THE PREMISE

For the rest of today i will send all my texts without
proofreading them first. It will be like a puzzle for you!

That sounds like fun

For of maybe. Not you

You’ll be off work in 3 hrs!

I can hardly wast

Sorry i can’t help myself i’m trying to type extra east for you

It’s just east enough

Would rather i ou tzue too west or north or snug for you

LOL. I WAS DOING WARSH…THAT’S WHY IT TOOK
ME SO LONG TO GET BACK TO YOU

it’s ok . i unresptane sometimes you just
iota have clean coteir

HOLY CRAP… THAT ONE SOUNDS PAINFUL

Lol that made it sound glid you were intui am cocooc

I’ll stop when you say so. Maybe this is only funny to me

What I wouldn’t give for a thesaurus or
a book on how to decode gibberish!

My coteirs are ready for the dryer. Be right back.

How’d they  turn out@ nice and dr x i hope

LOL VERY DR X !

GOOD. Betweel the Yumzos of up we text like two
old ladiegs standing in the mifflod of the parking lot

I HATE BEING IN THE MIFFLOD

LOL with all hue are trying to run you over
and hotling and wel GET OUT OF OXY

YES THEY SHOULD GET OUT OF OXY

I hear That’s a bad place. Very rough apes

Apes are like that. You sure you aren’t gonna
get in dutch for all these messages?

No big boss man is gone and i’ve finished all my real work

COOL!  SKIP OUT!!

Literaly@ slip i slip to my lot my darling

LOL…I’m not having any trouble understanding
your messages… NOW THAT IS SCARY !

Yes that is i little frightiengi

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