the sloppy copy

Most days, I consider myself to be an averagely-intelligent person. Sometimes when I’m feelin’ frisky, I even bump that up to “above-average.”

Other days, however, I can’t help but think that I’m making Forrest Gump looking like a goddamn rocket scientist.

Yesterday was one of those days. In a fit of reckless spending,* I recently upgraded my Netflix subscription to include actual DVDs in addition to the unlimited streaming option (completely unpaid endorsement: I fucking love Netflix. That is all). To my delight, my first discs arrived yesterday. As I was feeling like – to quote a friend “a plate of warmed-over ass” (thanks, BK!) – I wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball on the sofa, drink some hot tea (well, maybe while curled up in an upright position) and watch some mindless television.

Oh, except I can’t figure out how to hook up my DVD player.

I mean, it’s not like I’ve lived here over a year or anything, in the meantime playing DVDs on a complicated system that connects my television as a sort of second monitor for my laptop. I’m not often known to do things the “easy way,” for the record.

“It can’t be as complicated as I’m making it out to be,” I thought as I began my intrepid Adventure Behind The Television. “There are only so many combinations of cords and inputs and outputs, right?”

About 78,392. If you’re counting.

Armed with the instructions to the television, this is where things start to get interesting.

If by “interesting” I mean “swear-y.”

Seriously? Seriously? These instructions do not make any fucking sense. What the hell? THIS IS NOT EVEN A COMPLETE SENTENCE. “Connect the cord of the to the output?” The cord of the what? The what?!

THE CORD OF THE WHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then my head exploded.

There’s more to the story, involving another DVD player and more cussing, but the short of it is this:

If you are reading this, I will make you cookies – any kind of cookies you want – to hook up my DVD player.

I’m serious: Anything your little heart desires. Bam. Yours. All you have to do is figure out how to do it. And it has to, you know, actually work.  You’re more than welcome to stay for a DVD viewing party afterwards, but be warned: I have no plans to watch this current television series in order. I pick the episodes I want to see and fill in the rest later. Or maybe never. Also: there’s a lot of shooting. Followed by mumbling.** So the volume usually ranges between 15 to 95.

To recap: You make my DVD player work. I make you cookies. WIN-FUCKING-WIN.

Yum! THESE COULD BE YOURS.

*Or, more accurately, I recently became infatuated with some obscure character actor who apparently only appears in television shows and films not available for instant streaming.
**Um, there is a lot of shooting and mumbling in this television program. Not, like, in my house.