Paul N.J. Ottosson isn’t even up for an award this year, so I don’t know why I’ll even bother to watch the Oscars tonight.*
Irregardless, I am compulsed to present to you, loyal reader, my predictions – in brief – for the 2011 Academy Awards:
gratuitous picture of James Franco, because he's everywhere anyway
Actor in a Leading Role: Colin Firth (“The King’s Speech”)
British, historical, British, and historical. And stodgy. Is he stodgy? What does that word even mean?
Actress in a Leading Role: Annette Bening (“The Kids Are All Right”)
Because everybody loves a drunk, abrasive lesbian. Or something like that.
Actor in a Supporting Role: Christian Bale (“The Fighter”)
Because everybody loves a crackhead, especially one speaking in a regional American accent.
Actress in a Supporting Role: Hailee Steinfeld (“True Grit”)
Because kids talking like adults is real cute. And precocious! And her hair is so long!
Animated Feature Film: “Toy Story 3”
Didn’t see it, but heard that the ending made more than one grown-ass man cry.
Art Direction: “Inception”
But only if this category means “making buildings look like they are flying through the air at you.”
Cinematography: “The King’s Speech”
“Cinematography” is a long word, and implies stodginess.
Costume Design: “The Tempest”
I haven’t heard of this movie. Have I heard of this movie? Is it like the Shakespeare play? If so, then duuuurrrr, this one’s a shoo-in. Shoe-in?
Directing: David Fincher, “The Social Network”
He’s done some good shit, give him a little gold man already.
Documentary (Feature): “Exit Through The Gift Shop”
Probably won’t actually win, I heard there was controversy here. Or something. I don’t know. I like the title. And, ya know, it’s the only one I’ve heard of in this category.
Documentary (Short Subject): “Killing in the Name”
STEREOTYPE ALERT: No clue what this one’s about, but it makes me think of suicide bombers, which are in the news a lot. And the news and documentaries go hand-in-hand, like Brits and stodginess.
Film Editing: “127 Hours”
I’m sure a lot of editing went into this one; how many angles can you shoot from you’re filming a dude caught under a rock for two hours?
Foreign Language Film: “Biutiful”
No, for serious: this sounds heartbreaking.
Makeup: “Barney’s Version”
Those makeup artists sure had a chore, transforming Paul Giamatti from an old curmudgeon into a slightly less-old curmudgeon!
Music (Original Score): “The Social Network”
I just want to see Trent Reznor accept an award.
Music (Original Song): “If I Rise” from “127 Hours”
I don’t know. Just because I like “Jai Ho”
Picture: “The King’s Speech”
Movies that have certainly been mis-punctuated on movie marquees across the country automatically make it on the Short List. See also: British, historical, stodgy.
Short Film (Animated): “The Gruffalo”
Makes me think of some sort of lovable spawn of a grizzly bear and Mark Ruffalo, and who wouldn’t want to see that?
Short Film (Live Action): “God of Love”
Used my almost-always-at-least-half-right Gut Feeling to pick this one.
I don't care if you didn't do anything this year, Paul. You were robbed.
Sound Editing: None.
If Paul can’t win, nobody should win.
Sound Mixing: “Inception”
When I tried to watch this movie, it was on a Very Bad DVD Player hooked up to a Very Bad TV so I couldn’t Fucking Hear Anything so I imagine there were actually a lot of sounds, mixed together, that just didn’t make it to my ears.
Visual Effects: “Hereafter”
Not seen it, but I can’t imagine how difficult it’d be to recreate a tidal wave. What I’ve seen in previews is awesome, in the denotative kind of way.
Writing (Adapted Screenplay): “The Social Network” – Aaron Sorkin
Wanton abuse of narcotics aside, this guy is The Man. I mean, shiiiiiiit son! Boy can write!
Writing (Original Screenplay): “The Kids Are All Right”
I want to hear how Lisa Cholodenko says her last name. And see what she looks like.
*Oh wait. James Franco. Yes. Okay. I remember now.