Daily Archives: March 23, 2011

Conversations with Juanita.

Ma: Do you want to hear something horrible?

Julie: No, I probably don’t.

Ma: There was this guy who wanted to kill his wife for the insurance money so he dropped an 80 POUND CONCRETE BLOCK ON HER HEAD.

J: Ow.

Ma: He was on the roof and he THREW it at her!

J: Ow.


J: Whoa! Wow…

Ma: She had a concussion, and was in the hospital for awhile, but SHE LIVED! Can you believe that?

J: Well, that’s not so horrible. I mean, it’s horrible that he tried to kill her, but she lived.

Ma: Oh, well, he took her out to the woods and shot her two months later.

J: Oh.

I think that I actually believe that I can fly.

What am I doing with my life?
I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure that one out.
What do I want to do?
Well, I don’t know. See, my problem is this: Even though I’m a grown woman, I’ve never lost that feeling of…

Okay, wait, let me back up a second here.

When I was in junior high, I wanted to be an astronaut real bad. I read up as much as I possibly could on the space program and became a mini-expert on the subject. There was absolutely no question in my mind, despite my ineptitude for math, science or intelligence, that this was going to happen. By the time I got to high school, my mind eventually changed – not because I was failing basic algebra, but because I’d found something new to capture my interest.

And so it goes like this: in college, I changed my major no less than four times (not always officially, but it’s a wonder I managed to accumulate enough credits in one discipline to graduate in four years). It became a running joke with my friends; at the beginning of each semester, I’d read the course catalog cover-to-cover* and comment on how interesting everything sounded. Again, I’d see stuff like “advanced organic chemistry” and think “Wow, I should try that.”

Really, Julie?

I don’t know if it’s naivete or stupidity or some grand combination of both, but I – and we’re getting back to my original thought here – I’ve never really lost that sense of “I can do anything.”

I mean, I’m not completely delusional. I know that my shot at becoming an international spy has probably come and gone and I think I might be too old to enlist in the military, but everything else? Completely possible – with some work, of course.

My brain is practically busting with ideas right now. Should I go back to school? Should I move to another city?Another state? Another country? – and live there for awhile? Should I find another job? Should I not waste the deposit I just put down on an apartment here and just suck it up and move? (I can’t lie: the thought of having to live somewhere for an entire year without incurring financial penalties unsettles me – this is beginning to sink in).

See, I don’t know. My calm center of pragmatism reminds me that even though I’ve felt this way for-freaking-ever, I’ve still not really done much about it.

Damn you, rational mind! I was so going to be a fighter pilot!



*Kids, this is when they were in a big printed book that one had to pick up from the Admissions office, not some downloadable PDF file that you access from your smartie phone

sotd 3.23.11

But Lou, I don’t get it. Why are you giving this man your money?

“I’m Waiting for the Man” / The Velvet Underground & Nico (1967)